Thankful.

{This year I am incredibly thankful for two blessings in my life.}
1. The fact that this lovely boy will take on the role of big brother in a few short months & I will take on the role of auntie for a second time.
&&&&&,
2. Penelope. Peep. My pup. Outside of loving on my family, she is my world. She's the happiness I come home to after every day of working...She walked into my world right when I needed her, & she is the cuddliest 3 & 1/2 pound pup I've ever known. She has quickly become mine & I, hers. 

My world is full, my world is blessed. 

Enchanting Christmas.

My room is enchanted by Christmas.

{Christmas lights, candles that smell of Christmas pine, beautifully done Christmas music filling the air, & presents overflowing in my closets, just awaiting the night they can finally be wrapped & put under the tree.}

--It's all coming together.

 When this time of the year rolls around I feel like I'm still that 7 year old girl that would wake up around 2am on Christmas morning, wake my sister, Moriah up & we'd sit under the Christmas tree, while the rest of the house was still asleep & we'd talk about the giddiness & excitement of what the morning would hold when we'd finally be able to wake the rest of the house up.

As my nephew begins to get older & another one is on the way, I can't help but imagine & be excited what the next couple of years will hold. Those years where they are just beginning to believe....the mornings they come dashing into your room & wake up you at 5am on Christmas morning & you can just see the imagination & joy in their eyes. --I'm excited to see my childhood play out through them.

But, for tonight, I will be content with starring at my whimsical Christmas lights scattered throughout my room.

(This time of year is magical....not only because of the music filling every mall, or the Christmas movies that are on every channel on your TV, but because to me, it's the season of giving. Giving to others in need, buying someone's food in the drive-thru line. Simply blessing other people & being grateful for the family that's surrounding you.)

Enjoy this season & why not wake up tomorrow morning with the attitude that you'll bless someone today. No matter if it's big or small...you truly won't understand just how much brighter it'll make their day. Do it. Be a blessing.

The future that lies before me.

Today, November 29th, is black Friday. & we all know what that means....crazy lines in every store you decide to enter.

Well, I faced those crowds today & did some Christmas shopping of my own.
& as I'm standing in a line (for about twenty minutes), I began talking to the older lady behind me & she asked me where I went to school, where I work, ect. & as I began to tell her that I graduated high school almost two years ago & have yet to make any plans for college she went on her own rant of how important it is to have that little piece of paper saying I've went through college, gotten a degree & now I'm on my way to a big hefty job that's in a thirty story building & I dress in suits every day.

& what do you think I did? I just smiled & listened to her. I listened to her theory of how a women should have a job & work outside the home. Looking back, I wish I shared with her what my dream job is in my life. But, I was fearful of her rejection to the life I've dreamt up since I was a child. Maybe she would have accepted my goals, maybe she wouldn't have. She seemed pretty set on the fact that having a college degree is the best thing you can do in your life. Guess what? It's not.

My dream job is to be a Momma. Seriously. (you can pick your jaw up off the ground now.)

The thought of a future that involves little tiny feet running across my kitchen floors, finger prints all over the bottom of my windows, toys sprung out all over the place, & a husband that always comes home to us at the end of the day, is the best future I can imagine for myself. No, I won't have a college degree, but I'll have children to raise. I'll see their lives unfold instead of just hearing that they took their first steps from our nanny. I'll raise them to be followers of Christ, & to love on their siblings because there will come times in their lives that their siblings are all they have.

The future that I desire might not be ideal for some people or even make sense to them, but to me, it's perfect. It's the life I've seen play out since I was five & my parents gave me a baby doll to play with instead of barbies in our house. I've seen my Momma raise all five of us children, while being a stay at home Mom & mold us into who we are today. I watched my Dad be the man of the house & lead us in the direction of Christ. With the choices my parents made when I was young have molded my future for me & put those desires into my heart.

So, maybe I won't have that sheet of paper hanging on my wall declaring that I have a degree in "....", but, I will have finger painted pictures filling the front of my fridge & walls.
& to me that's greater than any degree I could imagine.

My dream job will come...maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but it's in these moments, in the conversations I have with people that make me realize what it truly is that I want out of life.
--& that's family.

.Hannah.

writers.

"You are a writer. You get to live life twice."
-unknown.

pen it down. write it down. No matter if you don't go back & read your words for twenty years, you are penning a period of your life. A moment that someday the next generation of you will read. They will be in your attic shifting through old books & come across your words. Your words of sorrow & healing. Your words of the moment you knew without a shadow of a doubt that the man standing before you would someday be their daddy. Your words hold meaning. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow...but, in the years to come they will get you through hardships. They will bring you though the toughest times in your life & they will always bring you that perfect touch of contentment that you needed at that moment in time.

your penned words will remind you of people. The good & the bad. The ones that got away without your knowledge & the ones that remain standing by your side to this day. --your words will take you through time. They will help you travel back to the fondest memories you have & they will remind you of moments you wish to not relive.

Journal it, because at that certain moment, it's exactly what you needed. Maybe you needed to vent. Maybe you needed to let your feelings known, but not to anyone but yourself & the future you. That's okay, writing helps release feelings we never knew we had til we had the courage to pick up the pen.

Writing helps you escape to a world only known by you. a world where it's safe. a world where you become the most vulnerable self you've ever become. It's the place you let all your walls down & you spill open. You let the pen guide the way. you step out of your outer flesh, show off your scars, your brokenness, your guilt, --you reveal the rarest parts of you. You allow yourself those moments of complete freedom within the confines of your journal.

be free.

there are simply moments that you have to allow yourself that. just moments of complete freedom, where there are no distractions, no busyness, nothing...just you, a pen, journal & God.

journal your life. someday it might be worthy of publishing.

grace.

Penelope.

World, meet the newest 1 pound 10 ounce addition to our family. She's already been held by the little hands of Liam, had her first mini photoshoot with Amanda & marked her 'territory' all over Momma's house. --the journey has just begun. Welcome to the dysfunctional mix we call this family, Penelope.

words.

Begin&end.

I began to think that's all I'll ever be to someone. Just a hidden happiness. --a love that's never expressed. A life never fully lived. 

your wedding.

It was a Saturday morning & she wore white. Her hair fell long & curled at her face & wildflowers were pinned delicately in it, which followed by a veil that was about to be placed over her face by her Dad for the first & final time. The bridesmaids wore an array of mismatched dresses, & held flowers of disarray & beauty. & it was at that time that they gathered around her & spoke prayers over this exquisite journey that is being unfolded today. This bride was breathtaking, beauty flowing from her & lavished in grace. Tears were common today...tears of exquisite giddiness. Tears flowed from your eyes as your momma handed you something blue that she has held onto for years, her reminder to you that she always knew this day would come.

As I'm standing here watching all of this unfold, & our little niece is chasing her brother, Liam around the room, I'm in awe. Awe of the day that is about to take place. --As I walk into the next room & take a glance at the groom as he is tying his tie, I see it. I see love wash across his face, adoration & readiness...readiness to become your husband & you his wife. & in a few short minutes the vows would be said & the promises would be meant.

....it was time.

As I pulled myself away from this image of your groom, I came back to your side, hugged you one last time & reminded you that your patience was not forgotten by God. I walked beside my sisters & looked back at you just as a tear hit my cheek, today you would not only take his last name, but you would begin the journey to your own family. As I began to walk down the aisle I caught a glance of the room before us, I took in the beauty of just how many people gathered today to witness your commitment. The quaint little setting tucked beneath the walls of your church was packed. Every single one of these people came today to stand by you & witness your love for each other. --As I made it to the alter, I stood in my place & knew you were next to walk.

...the music began, everyone stood & I fixed my eyes on you & our daddy. Tears were glistening  from his eyes & pride washed across his face as he held tight to your hand & walked you to your groom. You were at the end of the aisle, your groom was standing before the both of you, & as dad placed your hand in his, he lifted your veil, gave you one last kiss & took his seat next to our momma.

Your groom took your hand in his, & walked the two of you up to the alter where your pastor stood. --You read your handwritten vows, exchanged rings, & then the moment came...

"You may now kiss the bride." --smiles erupted, tears flowed, & cheers filled the room. He was now yours & you, his. His tall demeanor would always stand next to you & support you. He would someday hold your babies & create a crazy silly childhood for them all, just as our dad did for us. He would love you, always.

He was your best friend....He was your lobster.

Delight in You.

I want to soak in your presence. I want to breath in your promises & adoration. I want to delight in YOU. 

I have felt this stirring in my heart lately. A stirring that I couldn't quite pin point till right now, at this moment as I'm sitting in a car on my way home from Atlanta, GA. A stirring to seek rest in Him. No, the stirring wasn't to toss everything aside & finally go to beauty school, it was to allow myself to find pure giddiness in my singleness. --I have my days of sadness, but lately I have found more days to be joyful than to be sad. I am happy. I am more than happy, I am giddy. My happiness doesn't depend on a boy's happiness or shift with his mood changes, it single handedly rests in my own laughter-filled spirit. 

8 months ago I said i was giving a year completely to God & my singleness, I didn't really know how powerful those words would become & how rewarding they would be as well. I have been placed in situations where I could have fallen into that hopefulness & excitement again, but I wholeheartedly want to be single....for right now. 

God could decide to shake up my world tomorrow & if He does, it is HIS doing, but I find rest tonight in the fact that my happiness resides in HIM.

I thank Him for never giving up. 

.the writer.

One week.

One week is all I got with you. You said our interests were too far off but, you never even gave us a glimmer of hope. I don't even know what your voice sounds like, or the way your lips turn up when you smile. I have never seen the color of your eyes or heard the exuberant sound of your laugh. I don't know what it feels like to be standing next to you & feel your tall demeanor beside me. 

There is so much I was anticipating with you. The first time we met & finally locked eyes. Or the moment I introduced you to my family, or walked you through my hometown. Or the moment I grabbed your hand & took you to explored all the hidden, tucked away places, that remind me of my childhood. 

You walked in at the perfect time, you gave me the chance to open a new book, turn the page & start writing again. My journal flung open on July 4th & started writing. & as i wrote those words a smile appeared across my face without my knowledge. 

That one week gave me a glimpse of what it's like to lay on your mom's bed every night & seek advice from a women that 30 years ago was standing directly in my shoes. It's through her eyes that I see the stories flashing before her, the reminder that her daughter is now in the place she was in when my father walked into her world. 

& then there's a dad that stands tall at 6'4, & tells me stories of the beginning stages of his romance with my mom, he lets me into a world that at nineteen years old, I had yet to hear. He begs to hear my heart & desires to be let into this world of mine, I beg for the same thing. 

you spoke radiant truths to me tonight. Tonight sparked a new book for me...my books may be tiny, but they hold so much knowledge all wrapped up into a few short pages. Pages that one day I will pour open & share with my daughter. I'll express to her that life isn't always fair & sometimes you get broken, but that just gives you your own book to journal in. A book to reminisce on & scribble meaningless thoughts into. Your journal is your canvas, no matter how many times you paint over it, you'll always see a new story hidden beneath the ink.

Your written words are all that I'm able to carry with me, but the hopefulness of you is fading like fog in the early mornings.

Grace.

My dad.

It's conversations like these that I'll always remember with my dad.

Rainy mornings.

Laying in bed & hearing the rain fall right outside my bedroom window is one of the greatest ways to wake up in the mornings.

August.

I can still feel you creeping into my every day life. The places I see, the moments that were cherished there, it all comes back to me in that little space in time. How can it not? You were my world for 3 & 1/2 years. My comfort zone. My meadow that I could always run away to. You knew me deeper than anyone ever has, even my family. You knew my inner most self & in return you trusted me with the deepest parts of you. 

Days pass & I sometimes question what went wrong. Why did you have to do what you did? Was I not good enough? Was I too much to handle? I begin to blame myself for the reason of your departure. Should I? No. You left for reasons unknown to many, but it was clear to me the moment i met her. She fit your mold of a girl. She gave you some of the qualities i never would be able to, even if I went to the ends of the earth for it. Even when you weren't aware of it, she started filling the void of me. She walked into your life right as you were on the edge of a new journey, she came in as the 'new girl' & gave you something you knew you couldn't have, but wanted so badly. You wanted a new adventure, a new girl to capture. 

The moment you walked into those doors on August 25th, you had moved on. You knew from the start I wasn't suppose to be a part of this new journey. I just wish you had told me sooner. 

I believed in us. Every moment, every date--I believed in the long run.

I fell in-love with you in the summer of 2012. If only I knew what it felt like to be loved back.

70's girl.

This dress makes me feel like I should have been born in the 70's.

The quirks of you & me--

1. You make me laugh more than anyone ever has.

2. We have made the word "punk" to be an endearing word. 

3. You have become my best friend.

{this lovely thrifted vintage chair is the newest addition to my room. It holds so much history, I can only imagine the lives it has seen & the many babies that have been rocked to sleep in it before it became my beautiful gem.}

Everything tastes better in a mug this exquisite.

Finally found a case to hold all my records & the best part...it was thrifted for only $3. 

Rockin' some very ugly sunglasses.

Taking in God's beauty right after a rainstorm.

My nephew--future guitar player.

Southport, NC--the town that captured my heart. Finally found myself a bike with a basket.

Red hair, messy bun & curls.

The best siblings i could ever ask for &&, nephew. 

The eve of our beginning.

It's been a year since the burst of a new chapter. It was on this day last year that little did i know tomorrow would hold such memory. Such new territory. You held new ground for me & lead me to new tomorrows, old yesterdays & a beginning we wanted for many years. In you held a carefulness. A sacred ground. Never will I be able to return to that place & not be reminded of what happened between me & a boy on a Summer filled day that started out like any normal one.

{You brought me to new heights that day.}

364 days ago we began a journey, it may have only lasted 4 months, but you birthed in me-- adventure, giddiness, a rebellious nature, a dream, courage, a desire to look deeper than the outer appearance, a leap of faith, choosing to listen to my heart, laughter, a second family, strength to speak up...you were it all. 

.me.

The world was mine.

{After all the years & people that walked in & out of my life, you're the one that asked to stay. But, most of all, your love was reciriprocated. & it's with that, that I went to bed that night & had the world.}

Babe.

I was beginning to accept that, that was all I deserved. A man of already given away promises & pieces of himself. I believed that I was already damaged & didn't deserve more than what was being offered before me, I was fearful that i wasn't worthy of what i once was. That what was standing before me today was as good as it was ever going to be, but then I saw it. --I saw the white dress, the man standing up at the alter, & as I was clinging onto my dad's arm one last time, before he gave his youngest daughter away, I was reminded of the long sleepless nights of praying for him & asking God to prepare his heart for the past regrets & failures that would one day await him before he took me as his bride. & it was on that day that i realized it was all worth it. Every day that I spent alone while seeing the world around me find their better half, I knew it was worth it. 

...he was worth it.

&&, he saw my worth, behind the damaged pieces & broken parts he saw the worth. He believed in looking past the outer appearance & desired to know the heart of me. More than anything, he stayed. He stayed through all the tears & 'I'm sorrys' I had to offer & asked to stay. I asked why he would want damaged pieces when he was worthy of so much more greatness & he replied with...."because that wouldn't be you." 

It was then that I saw it too. I saw the staines begin to be wiped away & a whole new journey began for me. 

...I may not know this man yet but, i pray for you every night, babe. 

Being a mom.

(She wrote directly from my heart tonight.)

She helped me see a future I've been trying to make come alive all too quickly. She let me know that my time will come & one day I will know what it feels like to have my own little one kicking & breathing life inside of me. 

It's all I've ever wanted....to be a mom. To know what it's like to hear your child say "mama" for the first time. To see them take their first steps. That is my dream career. I don't want to be a doctor or business women, I want to be a mom. I want to be exactly what my mom was to her 5 children. I want to see my children grow up before my own eyes & not just hear of stories from my babysitter. I want to capture it on film & make memories with them & my husband.

I believe that this is the life I was created for, the life God wrote out for me the day He formed me in my mother's womb. He spoke words of kindness & compassion into my life. He aches when He hears my cries of desire to have that, to experience that love & know what it's like to be a mom. 

Tonight i let that ache be known, that desire to see my own belly grow & form into my own little blessing, but until that moment is mine to capture, I will wait upon The Lord. 

Tonight you said to me that this life sounded only but a book written fairy tale to you & I responded with...."maybe so, but it's my story that will be told for generations to come." 

&&, someday I will reap the rewards of holding out for the best.

.the writer.

63 minutes.

I knew you for all of 63 minutes. But, in that time I saw my life flash to a future unknown, but one I wasn't scared to face. One I wasn't scared to picture in my head. If the only thing you did for me was to show me that I can see that silver lining again, than thank you. Thank you for taking that leap with me & for the honesty you shared. You didn't know me, you didn't have to open your heart to me, but you did. You showed me your inner most self & laid everything out on the table for me, you became vulnerable to me. You saw me as someone you could trust, at least I think you did.

Our words flowed so easily, they spoke of truth & honesty. They shared the words of a future & a promise that neither one of us wanted to budge on. --In the short time I knew you, I opened a part of my heart that hasn't known what it's like to flow fluently & not be afraid of how it would be taken on the other end. I also became vulnerable to you, I laid all the cards on the table & hoped you would accept me for me. --But, it was me that didn't accept you.

I said goodbye.
I said goodbye to the first person that let me know what it's like to believe again.
--Believe in a chance worth taking.

I didn't know you for long, & we only grazed the surface of who we are, but you brought me hope.
Hope that unknowingly I had been searching for all along.
for 63 minutes a smile enchanted my world, it came in & swept me off my feet.

&&, for that, I thank you.

.Grace.

The quirks of you & me.

When it comes to my hair, I normally don't think through the process for very long, I just do it. It's just hair...it'll grow back or the color will fade. So, because of that being who I am, I'm now a red head && I'm quite fond of it.

{fashion has become a part of me, if anyone knows me they know that about me. This outfit is my latest addition & I found it in a very unexpected store--stein mart. 

I have decided to embrace my height, it was given to me for a reason & I've grown pretty fond of it. At some point in my life the right person will walk into the picture & love that confidence about me. Until then, I will stand tall.

{messy hair & hats}

My nephew just recently had his 1st birthday--as you can see he has been blessed with a very dysfunctional family. Good luck, Liam!

My life is made up of my family & I am okay with that. They are my sounding board. They're everything. 

.me.

Nights.

Sometimes late at night I remember it.
I remember the summer that sparked it all & the beautiful August day that changed everything.

{Then I'm reminded of what you did.}

quotes to pass the time.

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."
-Nicholas Sparks.

All you'll ever need.

{I just want to feel wanted.}
To be needed by someone deeply & to be desired. For someone to not want someone else when they're with me. For me to simply be enough & for my flaws to not matter. Will that ever be my reality?

...I'm beginning to wonder.

night owls.

Tonight I'm taking the term 'all-nighter' to a whole new level & it's not even for a good reason, other than the fact that I can't sleep for the life of me. So, here I am doing the thing I do best--writing.

I suppose it's time for another list.

1. I realized today that I could smell coffee all day long & I would be completely happy. So, if you want to be my friend, buy me a container of Folgers coffee.

2. This applies to my life more than anyone knows, as of right now. Let's just say that God is equipping me for something greater than I can fathom right now.

3. I've been missing my Senior year of high school here lately. It was probably one of the hardest years of my life, so far, but incredibly rewarding. The night I graduated & turned my tassel, I felt accomplished. I had finally completed something in my life. Something I look back on & literally can't think of one regret I have from being a Senior.

I became someone better in that year. It definitely molded me & equipped me for the 'real world'.

4. My newest obsession in the tv world would have to be 'Army Wives', seriously, tears flowing from my eyes during every episode.

5. Here lately, I've tried to not use the word 'someday', because I feel like I'm always waiting for that 'better tomorrow'. The day my life starts to have a meaning again. But, in all reality, it already does. Maybe not the reality I'm wishing for at the moment, but it's there. I have a job & a place to lay my head at, at night. Things many people would only hope for. My someday, begins today.

6. I miss my long messy, do as they please, curls. The way I could pull it all on top of my head & go about my day. *note to self* never make a bet with someone when it has to do with cutting off your 2 years in the making elegant locks. It definitely isn't worth it.

------
I'm sorry lovelies, my mind is slowly shutting down for the night. finally.
So, goodnight...well, what's left of it.

.messy curls.

Birds.

Early morning sunrises, with the grass a little damp against your toes & you look around & the world seems to just be waking up from the sleepy nights before.
--these little details bring me right back to mornings in Florida when I was a child. My days were filled with moments like this.

Taken in a flash.

Truth be told, not many people look at relationships like this. They see dating as something 'fun' to do on the weekends, or when it's convenient for you. That's not what a relationship is. Relationships take work, they are challenging & heart-breaking. But, more than anything--they are rewarding. This statement is so true & when I found it I stood in my tracks. I was raised to look at relationships just as this quote goes--can you picture yourself with that person in a marriage? I wasn't allowed to date til last year, 18 years old, because my parents felt I was old enough by then to make wise decisions.

To be completely honest, at this age, I still don't know what a 'wise choice' is. But, I do know one of the most important things when it comes to seeking out & waiting for my beau, I will not settle.

Girls, please don't settle. Don't let a boy walk into your life & lead you to believe that he can take something that isn't his until there is a ring on your finger promising a forever to you. Just stand firm on your desires, because once something is given it can never be taken back, no matter how many times 'I'm sorry' is said.

.grace.

Songs to fill your day.

{Ever hear a song on the radio & it brings you right back to a memory? Either good or bad, it still takes you right back to a moment in time?}

Lyrics to songs are my outlet to life. They express the thoughts that are jumbled up inside my head just begging for a way to come out. There are days where I feel like the rest of the world is failing me & the only release I have is putting music on & allowing it to take me away to words that I can't quite form on my own, but in some radical way, that song knows exactly how my heart is feeling.

Because at one point before that song actually became a song, one person was sitting on their bed writing out those words onto paper, feeling exactly the same way I do. They were begging for a way to express their inner most thoughts. A place where their words weren't judged, or their life wasn't as complicated as it seemed. For that evening they were taken away into a world where their words could run free. Where their pen could express the raw details of their life. It didn't matter if those words were never shown to anyone, it just helped that it was now written. Their heart was free again. It was learning how to breathe.

My mind is jumbled tonight. Thoughts running throughout it & not desiring to slow down anytime soon, so tonight I'm playing music & letting the songs speak the words I can't seem to form on my own.

.me.

Pixel.

Long car rides & kitty cuddles.

A story not yet told.

Today she took that leap into the unknown. She said goodbye to one of the safest places she's ever known & ran back to the place where family begins. She's left everything behind, the people she has come to adore & the life she's known for over two years. From this day forward all of that will only ever be a memory. A memory of who that girl use to be. --the outer appearance of her expresses laughter & probably one on the happiest people I've ever known, but what many of you don't see is the girl within.

This beauty is searching for a place to land, somewhere that's safe & uncharted. A place where she's accepted by society & loved by the deepest souls she's ever known.

Decisions have been made & prayers have been said. Her heart has exploded with the love her family has shown her & she's about to embark on a journey worth taking.

Her story is like no other, it's raw & heart-breaking. It's a story that no one would choose to live on their own, but she was chosen for this life because she is strong enough to conquer it. She's been pushed & she's been challenged, but she's never given up because she was born a fighter.

She is going to change her generation. I believe that. i know that. --God chose you for this life because He wants your story to be the one that gets told. Not someone else's....YOURS.

--her future is limitless. Her future is beauty pouring out into words of a life unplanned, but, lived to its fullest.

She is raw beauty &&, she is crazy loved.

.me.

It's written in the sky.

{You thought your words could hurt me once again & I would just stand back & be a sounding board for your emotions, but this time I walked.}

I did the only thing I knew in my power I could do. I'll no longer be your ear to listen when you need a friend, or the person you run to when the rest of the world is failing you. I won't look you in the eyes anymore & see the boy I once knew. --I won't be the encourager you need on the nights when you feel yourself giving up. I can't be anything for you anymore. My time has come & now it's gone.

My willingness & drive to be that constant for you is now a faded memory & desire. I've shed enough tears over you & your wild trail of emotions you've sent me on in the past 3 years, that I don't desire to be in this book anymore. I thought I did, I thought my time wasn't up here, but there are tiny moments in time that show you a glimpse of the future & what is ahead for you & I didn't like what I saw. I saw a future where I always sat on the sidelines waiting for it to be my turn instead of someone waiting for me for once & desiring me. I saw fear.

My mind will always linger on the words never said, but I will no longer let my heart reminisce on the past, because the past will only ever be a vivid memory of who I once was.

I'm not her anymore. She let her heart fall into something that was never there to begin with, she let her mind drift far too far into the future of things promised but never kept, of dates never planned & time never spent.

I don't want your promises or your words anymore, all I want is a goodbye. One last & final goodbye.

{I should have looked deeper within the outer appearance & realized that the answer was written in the sky all along.}

The writer.

drifters of the wind.

{My mind is feeling free tonight. Unable to settle down & feeling more than content at where I'm at right now.}

--I'll be honest with you all, I have my days of doubt, but I find that when I'm in doubt of where my future will lead, I need to seek comfort in my Daddy God. I've been having a lot of days here lately where I've felt like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. The weight of work, future decisions, family issues, everything in my life I felt was coming down on me all at once. Ever have those days? If you say no, you're lying. Everyone has challenging days & that is the reason I haven't really been writing, because I didn't really feel like throwing my problems on my readers.

But, I learned something here lately, no one is going to get it right in this life. We are ALL going to fail. & in the past month or so, I've failed, a lot.

-------------
I spent a portion of my day today reading my sister's blog--
http://messyharbor.tumblr.com/

I suggest you go right now & read her story. it's exquisite.
It's beauty pouring throughout her words. &&, it's because of her that I'm writing tonight. As I was reading one of her writing in particular, I felt an urge for her. A desire to put myself in her shoes for just a moment & know what it was like to be the one behind that writing. I found it hard to though, to be in her shoes, to walk where she has walked. To even begin to understand her depth of happiness, sorrow, giddiness, sadness. All of it. I don't think it's ever easy to understand someone, even if you've been through something similar as they have. You haven't walked that life, you haven't experienced their struggle, because we all deal with life differently. --& that's normal. We're suppose to respond differently to life, because God didn't create any one of us the same.

I am different than you.
I always will be & you'll never begin to understand the life I have lived.
That is just an honest truth.
You may think you know my life & my daily obstacles & life's little spurts of love God sends my way, but you don't. --But, through my words & the simple way my hands run across the keys & my pen hits the paper, I will try to express this life to each & every one of you.

I am a drifter of the wind. 
{I change my mind a million times a day.
I can eat fried pickles like no one's business.
I let my messy curls be free whenever they want to be.
I believe in forgiveness.
My mind gets confused with my heart at times.
I'm not a morning person. Rather, I'm a night owl.
My family is dysfunctional, crazy & witty & I wouldn't have it any other way.
{My world is made up of kitty cuddles, always cheerful goodmornings from my parents, windows down & sunshine bursting throughout the sky, & drifting of the pen into my journal of far away thoughts.}
I am a failure at this life God has given me. But, who isn't? truthfully.
&&, to be honest, I'm okay with admitting that.
As I'm sitting in my room tonight & listening to--
'The One You Need" By:Shane & Shane
I'm okay with stating the truth. It needs to be written. More so, it needs to be admitted.

Tonight, my mind is at peace. My mind is giddy, literally I have this happiness about me & I don't really know how to describe it. All I know is that it's a really good feeling.

I'm a million little blown dandelion flowers trying to find a place to land. Trying to seek out a place that's safe & unused. A place where they can start over & become something. My mind is bursting with wonder & curiosity. --This is my mind drifting, tonight.

.Messiness.

What if?

{I wrote this in a scrapbook awhile back & anytime I need a little reminder of why I am where I am today, I read this. I'm reminded of the chances I took & the times I put my whole self out there because I didn't want to look back one day & regret not taking that leap or being in that moment & not saying what I really wanted to say.}
If you haven't met me or truly gotten to know me, then you might not know this--I'm the most scared person there is. I hate leaving the comforts of home & exploring somewhere new. Somewhere where I don't know anyone & I'm forced to come out of my shell & speak. Literally, I get the shakes anytime I'm somewhere new.

I guess why I'm telling you all this is because I don't want any of you to be afraid to take that leap. To jump into the unknown & dive into something radical.
Something completely unexpected but insanely awesome. YOU are meant for greatness.

I may not know every single one of my readers by name or their back story, but I do know this--You are made for something BIG. Something that will at times, knock you to your feet because what God has planned for you will be beyond what you can imagine. But trust me, It'll be worth it. &&, years later you will look back & you'll be thankful you took that chance & didn't just sit in your room & watch the world pass you by.

THAT is why I'm taking my chance. I don't want to look back years from now & wonder, "what if?" --I want to expand my horizons & explore this crazy world God created. I want to work & do something every single day that I ENJOY & love.

Every day that passes I get more & more excited about September coming. I'm ready. I'm ready for it all.
I'm ready to see my world change.

I have this canvas on my wall I made about a month ago & it says,
"I am made for something BIGGER." --I am. & I know that now.
Yes, I'm a bit scared of leaving the comfort of home, because who wouldn't be?
But, I know this is a chance I NEED to take.
I need to leave.
I need to start a whole new book in my life story.

Take that moment in your hands & speak your mind. You'll regret the "What if" more than you would if you put yourself out there & got shot down.
It's a chance worth taking.

.the writer.

The beauty of not knowing.

I was watching "One Tree Hill" late last night, it was the one where Brooke & Julian get married & I sobbed...I know what you all must be thinking, "how pathetic is she?" --The truth is, I cry whenever anyone get married or I hear their story on how they met, I was at my best friend's bridal shower & I couldn't even speak a blessing over her because inside of me, I was sobbing.

I guess the reason for this blog tonight is because I know someday, it'll be my turn. --I know it's just a tv show, but for me, I get captivated into the characters world, kind of like you would if you were reading a novel. You fall into the trap of their world & their daily lives that you kind of feel like you are that character at times, right? At least I do.

I know someday I'm going to have a boy that's willing to fight for me.
He won't give up & we will work together as a team.
We will challenge each other in our daily lives & we will always find the comfort of home in each other.

Right now, it's all a mystery to me on how or where or when I will meet my boy, but I think honestly, that's the adventure....not knowing.
Not knowing what day will begin as a ordinary day & wind up as a day that you someday tell your great grandchildren about.
If I knew, or even have a little in on when we would meet, I would be longing for that day & that day only. But, instead, I live everyday (or at least I try to) grateful that God has given me another day to live. Grateful for the people I get to call family & grateful for the support system I have surrounding me.

Some people may be reading this blog & wondering why I talk about love & my boy so much when I'm only 18 years old. --I guess the only answer I would have to that would be,
Every girl dreams of that moment that her whole life is swept up into her own story that involves a boy that promises to never leave.
We never prepare ourselves for the hurt that sometimes comes with putting ourselves out there so much, but we do it anyways. --We get hurt, & then we stand back up. Maybe not very quickly, but in time, we do. Because in all honesty, we are longing for love. Acceptance & love.

I am content & pleased with the place I am in, in my life right now.
Of course I have sad days, days of wanting a boy's hand to hold.
But, knowing that I'm holding out for the best, well it makes the wait all worth it.

There is beauty in not knowing what is going to come next & I prefer to look at this world through the eyes of God. After all, He is the one that knows how to captivate my heart the best.

...grace.

Nephew.

{No, this is not my child--I'm just one very obsessed auntie.}

 Checkin' out the sofas @ ikea.

 Liam & Suspenders.

 Don't let this photo fool you, he thinks I rock.

messy hair.

-->That's right, I have major turquoise hair, well I'll admit it, it's more "greenish" this time, which saddens me greatly, but nonetheless it's still 'funky' & different.
&&, I gave it a whirl & went for bangs. Haven't had them in yeeeeears, but every so often change is good.
My hair describes me. I feel like my personality shines through in the craziness of hair. & I'm okay with that.
All the old people I work for on the other hand aren't too pleased, but I blaze my own trail. I form my own happiness & my hair is that for me.

On the day this photo was taken I had an appointment with a cosmetology school in the Nashville area. {As you can see, I dressed to impress that day.}

--I fell in love with the school & I do believe it'll be the place I call home in just a few short months. My world is about to take some lovely turns & I couldn't be more ready.
My journey is beginning.
My trail is being blazed.
My heart is ready, so ready.

It's all within hand reach & I'm taking that leap.

 --messiness.

Simple as that.

$5 thrifted frame.
$1.29 ivory lace (from Hobby Lobby)
&, a hot glue gun.

{wait a few minutes for it to dry & then start applying your jewelry.}

Favorite piece of art so far this year, &, it only took about 10 minutes to make.

.curls.

Already written pages.

He let college define him.
He let it mold him & change him.
In 5 years when you're standing in your cap & gown getting ready to graduate college, who will be standing beside you?  Who will you be by then?
I know these are questions yet to be answered, because things change. You can't even begin to imagine where you will be in 5 years. But, take this moment to really, truly look into the future & imagine who you want to be standing beside you. Where you want your future to lead you. The steps you're taking right now, my dearest, are leading you to that place.

Don't let this world change you.

I believed in you. That first day of college as we were moving you into your dorm, I saw your future being written before you that day. I saw the spark in your eye that described adventure. A new place, new people. Everything was new to you. It was your story just beginning to be told. You were on the first page to a really good book. I was excited about this story. The adventures & obstacles that were going to be unraveling in this book, it was exciting & nerve racking all at the same time. I didn't know where that left us. But, all I could really do was.....trust.
I had to trust you. 

In the beginning I did, fully.
Then it got harder as the weeks past & I saw our Summer romance dwindling.
I saw myself just being another character in your book, instead of one of the main leads.

I remember the longs nights of missing my boyfriend & tears flowing from my eyes & not really knowing why they were. I guess it's kind of the part when you're reading a really good book & you feel yourself captivated by the characters & you just begin to feel their pain & sorrow, but not really knowing why...until you reach the end of the chapter or much less, the end of the book. You see yourself being them, or putting yourself in their shoes.

This time though, I was that girl.
Instead of just being able to close the book when you've felt enough pain for the character for one night, I was living it. I wasn't able to put the book back on the shelf & continue on with my life, because this was my life.
I was her.

I saw the pages unraveling day by day. I saw myself holding onto something that was already lost.
I didn't know the boy in the pictures anymore.
I knew the face. I had grown accustomed to the face.
But, I didn't know the boy behind the face.
You know when you're reading the book & you imagine what the character looks like in your head, but then when you see the real deal, it's completely different & you're a bit disappointed? That's what was happening to me.

I knew this boy like the back of my hand. We had a three year journey together, before this book ever began. But, to me, it felt like they had switched characters on me & tried to lead me to believe they were the same boy.
I tried to lead myself to believe it for awhile, but it's like the saying goes--
'you can't teach an old dog new tricks.' --there was no fooling me.
This wasn't the boy I knew. This wasn't the boy I once loved.

He's gone. Will he ever return? Well, that's yet to be determined...

You know when you finish reading a book & find yourself daydreaming about where the characters went after the last page was read? Well, maybe someday you'll see part two in a bookstore.

Sometimes you have to get to the last page before you desire to run back to the place where the first page was ever written.

As for me, I'm starting my own book. New place, new people, same me, just a different zip code.

"I never want there to come a time that I've changed so much that I don't recognize the person in the mirror looking back at me." 

.Curls.

Art splattered walls.

{My new beginning.
My leap of Faith.
A journey yet to be told.
Me, jumping fearlessly into the unknown.
Seeking exquisite beauty.
Longing for the beauty within.
I AM made for something bigger than this state I'm in right now.
Saying goodbye to the past. finally releasing myself.
Holding out for a hero.
messy hair & big bows--expresses me.
I will not change for anyone other than myself.
I will not let a boy define who I am anymore.
I will seek out beauty in the craziest of ways.
I will continue to write.
My writings express what my mouth cannot speak, sometimes.
My walls will be my masterpiece.
They will be the place where my world makes sense.
The place where my story begins to unfold.
My safe haven.}

.messiness.

Craftiness.

My feelings come through my works of art. & my writings. I was given that ability to express myself in that way & I shall never take that for granted.
Today, my day consisted of watching Army Wives & making crafty little pieces of art in my room. &&, as I'm writing to you all right now snow is beginning to fall outside my window. All I need is some Hot Chocolate & a nice cozy blanket & it shall be a lovely day.

I hope everyone is staying warm & bundling up with their loved ones.
loves to all.

I write.

    {I was once told by someone that I didn't need to write about their life so much, that they weren't that interesting to write about.
It's not the fact that I'm writing about YOU, it's more so for me. I am a Writer. I put my thoughts to paper, often. So, if you enter my life, you are officially a character in my book. Someone that I will write about daily, & see your name pop up in my written words. Not particularly because I want to, but because you were a part of my journey in a moment in time. You are a part of my story.}


Grace.

Snap shots.

*A groovy green color record player was given to me for Christmas.

*my lovely family. We will only begin to expand in numbers from here on out.

*my cat sniffing my record player, she still doesn't know how she feels about it.

*vinyls & flats. A lovely part of my world.

*a good outfit makes a day 100% better.

*thrifted dress, $10.

*sisters. I have no idea what I would do without them.

*my little bean on Christmas Eve.

*i went out on a limb & wore suspenders on Christmas Eve, I embraced it.

2013.

This is my time.
My journey will begin this year. Not that I haven't had a journey up until this point, but since I was 4 years old my journey lingered in this small town. I had the comfort of home, the safety of knowing that my daddy was just down the hall ready to protect his family with a baseball bat. I had a safe place to lay my head every night. I've had a pretty good life, now it's time for me to venture out on my own & find a life of my own. To know what it feels like to pay bills & have a ton of responsibilities. --not saying this is going to be fun, but I need it. I need to grow up.

Are you all ready for my big news?
Okay, here it goes!
Beginning in September of THIS year, I will be calling Nashville my home.
Finally.
I made a decision & I am quite pleased with my decision.
{cosmetology school} <-- I'm quite ready for this adventure that is about to take place in my life.

There have been many people that have told me they didn't think cosmetology school was right for me or that it wasn't the next step I needed to take, but I truly feel like this is my place to stand. This is the place I will be calling home.
The place I will begin leaving footprints on. The place that I may or may not find love at. {even if I don't, I shall be more than happy, because I'm content with my Daddy God for the time being.}
This is what I feel most passionate about. I know that some people may not think that hair & beauty is a big deal, but it is a desire of mine. & I think that the way God is going to use me in this business is going to blow some people away. That's why I'm believing.

My journey is still 8 months out, so until then I will continue cleaning & earning money. But, I am focusing my heart & mind on all the incredible things that will take place if I just let God take the pen to my story.

I just finished spending the weekend with my sisters in Nashville, what a beauty.
I'm ready the call that place my home.
I'm ready to wake up every morning & do something I LOVE.

Grace.