The night before Christmas.

Tonight as I'm heading home from being in Cookeville for Christmas dinner with my brother & sister in law, I'm being reminded that the little kiddos that I blessed with some Christmas presents this year, are opening tonight one of the Christmas presents I gave them---the book, "the night before Christmas".

It was always a tradition of mine that I will carry over to my children one day. & it a big part of my childhood that I remember, it sparked the excitement in me right before I would go to bed for the evening, right before Santa would come. I wanted these little kiddos to have the same excitement as I had. I wanted them to start a tradition.

Tonight my mind is lingering on them & their beautiful faces. I still remember each & every one of them by name & the lovely smiles that came across their faces as I walked in the door & placed some presents under their tree.

Those kiddos will always & forever be apart of my life. In my memory, they will stay.

Tonight, they are being held dear in my heart. I hope as they go to sleep tonight with the excitement of Santa coming in the morning & opening gifts, they are filled with the childlike giddiness.

&&, the parents remember that God is our provider. I wasn't the one that supplied the gifts. God did, I just followed His instructions.

Grace.

Beginning.

Today, my Christmas journey began.

This whirlwind of a year.

Well, as this year is coming to an end--wow. What a year it has been!
Only 15 days left of this year & I've only got one thing to say....I'm so ready to leave this year in the past. To move on & see where life's little adventures will take me. I love the little town I live in, but it's time for me to move away. To find my own grounds & who I'm suppose to be. I know, I've been saying that since before I graduated high school, but I think I honestly needed this year to learn from some things & to let some things happen in my life to get me to where I am now.

Everything happens for a reason & I don't regret the past, I just don't want to continue living in it. I want to move on & truthfully, I want to be loved. I want that radical, crazy, silly, love. The kind that knocks you breathless for just a short moment in time. I want a bigger reason to get pretty for evenings out, than just going to Wal-mart & buying food for the week. *sigh* yes, that is my current life right now.

I want to live on my own.
(or at least out of my parents home.)

This year has been a journey, for sure.
I've learned a lot about myself & the people I called friends. I found out who was a genuine friend in the end & who was only here to get something in return.
I've been lied to so much, it hurts more than I could even try to express to you all.

I've been pushed beyond my limits & I've heard God call my name towards missions in my hometown for the Christmas season.

"I will rise, when HE calls my name."
"God WILL provide."

^^these two sayings have been the two things that I will carry with me out of this year. My God will ALWAYS provide. & if you are in tune with HIS voice, He WILL call upon you. Many regret Him & many don't commit to Him when He calls upon them to be His followers, or even leaders.
*many are called, but very few actually go.*

I want to be one of those very few. I want to hear His voice in the depths of my dreams every night. I want to know Him by NAME.

At the beginning of this year, I had one goal. -->get to May 17th 2012.
My 18th birthday. It was the day I could finally date the boy I had been wanting to date for three years. That's all I was hoping for in this year. Oh, & to graduate high school. I was putting everything else on hold because I didn't care what came after the 17th of May. I just wanted him. Sad, isn't it? very.
It's even hard for me to type out & let you all hear. Because, I was so glued into a boy, that my world revolved around him. & making things work with him, even if it wasn't in God's plan for our lives. & obviously it wasn't, because it only last almost 4 months & now it's in the past.

I will say this though, I had to go through all of that to get here. I would have never known or learned for our relationship if it never happened. If we never knew what it was like to date each other & form a relationship on that level, we would have never learned what we did. We made mistakes...many. We aren't perfect & we failed God, many times. We didn't seek counsel when we should have & we left God in the oven, instead of having him right there with us on the front burner.

advice** never & I mean never, leave God out of a relationship. God can make a relationship fail at ANY point, He has that ability. I know that many of us don't believe that God has that much power, but He does. He made our relationship fail because He wasn't at the center.

---------
This past year has been challenging to say the least.
I feel at times that I've been hit with a ton of bricks & every time I try to get up, I get hit again & again.
A lot of good has happened & a lot of bad has happened.

In April of this year I became an Aunt to a beautiful little boy.

& as the days go by, I love him more & more. & can't believe that I am the one that gets to be one of his four Aunties.

In May I graduated high school as Salutatorian of my class.
seeing as how there were only two in the graduating class, it was a given. But, I was only points away from getting Valedictorian.

On July 1st I began a relationship with a lovely boy, & it lasted four wonderful months. In the end, we desired something different. We were falling apart from each other instead of falling together as a couple.

If I had to choose one photo from our time together it would have to be this one. We had a quirky relationship. We were best friends for three years & formed a bond over that time that is rare to find. It was a time not wasted in my book.

In August I took over as being the #1 employee for my parents cleaning business. I put beauty school in the back of my mind & decided to take a year off. I will say that my closet has improved within the past couple months, but that cleaning toilets for old people is getting old....reeeeeal quick.
*no photo will be posted of me cleaning toilets, sorry for the disappointment.*

&&, here we are! December 16th, Christmas is coming upon us all very shortly & I couldn't be more excited. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. A time to make memories & relive all your old traditions. A time for family.
In this coming week all my sisters will begin piling in from out of town & the bonding will begin.
Family.

Thank you for reading my extremely long writing for tonight.

Goodnight lovelies.

Summer's long gone.

Tonight I'm missing Summer.
I'm missing the shorts & tank tops.
The car rides with the windows down & your hair blowing everywhere.

I'm missing the sweet smell of flowers springing up from the ground.
& the smell of freshly cut grass.

A summer where it all began.
A summer where it all ended.
Weather it's good or bad, every summer has it's own story that you'll carry with you for many seasons to come.

Summers hold late night swims.
bonfires on the beach.
romance.
freedom from school.
opportunities to take chances.
roadtrips.


Within me tonight holds a love for summer that I'm trying to form into words, but not really knowing how to. Summers for me have always made me feel like a kid again, being back in Florida, eating Orange Blossom ice cream while wearing a orange mustache on my face & not having a care in the world. Just simply being a kid.

picking oranges off of our orange tree in our backyard & then jumping in our pool. Believe it or not, I use to be the tannest child you knew. I was a beautifully browned/tanned child...til about the age of 5, when my parents moved us from Florida & from then on I've been a ghost.

The first glimpse of summer is the best part to the entire season. The shorts being unpacked & school letting out. Summer jobs starting. Vacations taking place.


Summer.
a time for unexpected things to happen.

Artistic.

A few of my favorite things on this late night where inspiration & craftiness is hitting me.

Popí & bean.

{the love he has for this little boy is rare.
It's incredible.
There are days I will catch him starring at his phone & smiling because the photo on his main screen is of our little bean.
My dad is one proud Popí & can't wait to see him grow up.
He's already talking about taking him into the woods & building forts with him.
Popí sits him on his rocking horse often & talks to him. 
I'll catch him singing to him.
&&, the smile that appears on Popí's face when Liam comes walking in our front door is...priceless.
The love he has for Liam, can't be described in words. It just simply can't.
You'll have to see it in his actions.}

Tonight.

I feel like I'm failing God tonight...

five families. Christmas. my next journey.

-->I'm beginning to realize that many people will tear you down in life, & not believe in you, even the people closest to you, but YOU are the one with the dreams. YOU are the one with the future you are desiring. YOU have the ability to never give up til you get to where you want to be.
That, that is what I'm striving for. Very few people are believing in where I see my future leading, but I'm having to remind myself that God put these desires in me for a reason. He wants to see me accomplish them & I will.
Missions-->in my hometown first though. There is so much poverty in this town. So many people not knowing where their next meal will come from or if they will ever be able to give their child a birthday present. I want to take their worry away. Their sadness & pain. I want to be a follower for Christ.

This Christmas I shall begin my journey.

{I had been debating for a long time now if I should share this journey with you all, but then I realized that each & every one of you has been with me from the start. So, here it goes.}

A couple weeks ago as I was cleaning toilets, God revealed something to me--families in need. It's Christmas time, right?! Well that's where He has lead me. I am working with an organization that has supplied me with 5 families (because when I prayed about this & asked God how many families I should take on, He flat out told me 5.) & I will be supplying Christmas for them...along with a Christmas dinner. Yes, I know what you're thinking, expensive.
Money is not what is going to hold me back, because from the start God promised me & assured me that HE IS GOING TO PROVIDE. & anytime, (because there are plenty of times) that I get nervous about seeing my bank account drop, He reminds me of what he promised me from the 1st day...He will provide everything I need. No, it may not come right now or even in the next year. But, God is going to provide in the end.

I want to assure you this, I am NOT doing this so I can get a reward in the end though. Because, if I never get a reward, I'll be perfectly fine, because to see the smiles on the families faces when I show up at their doorstep, will be a reward enough. This is my chance to do what I believe I'm destined for. reaching out to the needy & less fortunate & letting them know who Our God is & what He has done.

Every time I think about what God is doing in my life & how He is preparing me for the future, I get butterflies in my stomach. I get giddy & excited. I am more excited about doing this for these families for Christmas than I am for Christmas with my family. This is my time to give back.

When my family & I first moved to this small town, we had nothing. There was a month that we couldn't pay rent on our house & someone took care of it for us from our church. We had very little & people gave to us. It's my turn to give back & thank God for all that I DO have.

-----
When I sat down to write tonight I did NOT plan on telling you all about this.
To be completely honest, I wanted to keep it a secret because I didn't want people feeling like they needed to give in anyway. But, tonight, God typed out these words for me. There is a reason I am telling you all this tonight. I, honestly, don't know the answer to why I am, but God does.
All I ask of you all is, PRAYER. & compassion for the less fortunate & needy.

I will be blessing five families this Holiday season, if only I could do more...But, there is always next year!!

God will provide.

holding out.

 {Every time I listen to this song I think of you, babe.
I've yet to meet you, but I know that when I do, you'll be well worth the wait.
This song to me is--
happiness.
love.
forgiveness.
sadness.
giddiness.
hopes for the future.
my heart.
exquisite beauty shown through writing.
my husband.
desiring to know you & become accustomed to your face.
wedding dresses.
our house.
you.}

Moments, moments in time.

  

"Months have passed & memories have faded into the backgrounds, but one thing remains…He’ll always be the first boy I ever loved."

.me.

Believing.

{This is describing me tonight. ~
Believing in the strong power of God.
Believing in healing.
Believing in FREEDOM.
Believing in the strength to finally let go.
Believing in a new beginning.
Believing in you.
Believing in my prayers.
Believing in someday seeing you walk towards a man while wearing a dress of all white.
Believing in the bondages being broken free.}


--I'll never stop believing.

Love,
me.

The love of a Grandma.

Funerals.
When you hear that word most people think of sadness & pain.
Tonight I saw something different. --I saw happiness. Happiness in knowing she is in a better place & knowing she is with the man she always loved. They are reunited. I heard memories. Memories that I only wished I could have seen for myself, but hearing about them tonight & being allowed to enter into that world, was love to me.

I only met her once, but one time was all it took for me to come to adore your Grandma. She had this bright smile that lit up the entire room & made you feel like family from the moment you walked in her door, til the moment you walked out. She showed me love & acceptance & told me to come around whenever I wanted to....I only wish I had.

As I sat in the pew tonight as you walked around & greeted family that you hadn't seen in years, I memory walked. I let myself memory walk tonight to a day that will always be dear to my heart. July 1st, 2012. The day I met her. Every time I pictured her face in my mind, I cried. I don't exactly know why because she was your grandmother, but I did. I cried because I remembered hearing her talk to you & how proud she was of you. I cried because I remembered when she asked who I was & you introduced me as your girlfriend & she showered me in loving words. I cried because I remembered how much I didn't want to go meet her that day, because my stomach was in knots, I was so nervous to meet someone so important to you. & in the end I cried because I'm so grateful for that day & for you, because of the fact that you took me to see her & she got the chance to meet me & I got to hear stories from your childhood.

I realized tonight that July 1st, 2012 will always hold more meaning than I ever thought it would. & I'm so grateful for that.

As we said our goodbyes to her this evening I looked over at you, as you had tears in your eyes & I began to break inside for you. You don't cry very often, but when you do I see that it's you letting all your walls down & allowing yourself to feel sadness. Tonight I saw that. & tonight, for the first time in three years, I stood back & let you deal with your sadness alone.

Thank you for taking me to the house they use to live in & telling me stories from your childhood. Thank you for taking me to meet her & allowing me to feel loved by her. I only wish I could have met her more than once, but at least I have one memory to carry with me. Her infectious smile & laugh. She was stunningly beautiful.

She was proud of you. I could see it & hear it in the conversation you two shared. She'll always be proud of you, & she'll always be with you. --The day you graduate college, get married, have your first child. Every journey in your future, she'll be watching over you, with love & adoration for you.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this tonight & giving me the opportunity to say goodbye to her as well. She was a beauty.

love,
me.

my last goodbye.

{Three years later & your goodbye hurt.}

I don't know the reasoning behind this, but I know that it's time for me to release you. No matter if you never read this, or if you're reading it tonight. I need to do it for myself. So, I can feel free.
I don't plan on forgetting about the past three years, but I don't plan on lingering on them either. They're memories, but that's all they shall be. Memories, fading into the dust & becoming stepping stones to our futures.

I do. I remember that day like it was yesterday. bald head, brown beanie cap on, & a smile the lit up the entire room. You made it important to talk to me that night & you did, for the entire evening. You made an impression from the first day. I miss that boy.

You have changed. I have changed. --& with that, we have made our way here. To our last goodbye. We've had many of these in the past three years, but none of them have ever lasted long, I've always welcomed you back with open & ready arms. I can't anymore though. You chose this & you know that. Weather you regret it now or will someday, you made the choice & I'm doing my part by releasing you.

{always a favorite of mine.}
we spent a summer together, three months is all it took for me to fall for you, for me to have my heart fall deep into a boy that changed up my world. & will always carry apart of me with him. One Summer, that's what I asked for & you gave me that, but in the end, that was all you could give me. I asked for more & you denied me what I needed.

College hit us--

I became this to you. The option instead of a priority. Please, don't make the next girl an option as well.

You've changed a lot since college started. I knew that you wanted to get out of our small town someday, but I didn't know that meant leaving everyone behind. But, it's what you've done. You've said goodbye to this chapter of your life & you're desiring to live up your college years. That's completely okay, I just hope someday you don't look back on these days with regret. Regret of pushing your family away & the people that cared more for you than the people that are now graduated & moving away to far off places. I hope you figure out what's most important to you.

You were very good at giving me your time when you were home & didn't have college & friends surrounding you, but I wanted to be apart of that world. You never gave me the chance. You never seemed to be proud to call me yours.
It's okay though, the next boy will be.

You did. I tried to stay. I even asked to stay & you let go.
The last time I looked into your eyes they seemed hidden, blocked off to me & no longer mine to look into. It took me three years to have you let me into your world. & in the blink of an eye, we said goodbye.

We've parted ways & I only hope that someday we may cross paths again, maybe in a coffee shop while you're ordering a Chi Tea, or I'll see your band's name on a flyer for a concert & see you from afar. Wherever it may be, or if the time never comes where we lock eyes from a distance, I wanna say thank you.

{Thank you for letting me go. If the 'spark' was no longer there for you, or if it never was, I thank you for giving the next boy a chance at truly loving me & knowing what it feels like to be a priority, instead of an option.
Thank you for the past three years.}

I'm not distraught over this, I'm rather excited to see where my next journey will take me. I wouldn't trade the past three years for anything, but it's time that I move on & find myself. Find out who I am, without depending on someone else's happiness. You should too.
But, do me a favor. Seek out happiness & love in God first. Don't try to 'fill the void' with someone else other than God. He needs this time with you. Same as me, He needs some alone time with me. Where there are no distractions & He doesn't have to share me with someone else. Give Him that much, please.

One last thing...

Grace.

Stop test-driving your girlfriend.

 {a friend of mine posted this tonight & I felt like she posted it directly for me to read. No, I'm not a boy. But, it was still really good & reassuring for me to hear. I hope that you all will take the time to read it as well & really hear the words you are reading. It'll be worth it.}


http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm

enjoy.

Crawling in bed.

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is crawl in bed for the entire day & wait til it's tomorrow. My dreams last night are better than my reality at the moment.

Well, I'm off to clean some things.

cancer.

I'm slowly breaking down....
I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Why parents are taken from their children that need them. Or why parents have to sit there & watch their child slowly dying. I know death is apart of life, but it's still hard for me to grasp.

He's my story for the night--
about a month ago my parents came to me & told me that my uncle has colon cancer. He's only a couple years older than my parents & when he went into the hospital one day for a normal appointment he walked out with either stage 4 or stage 5 of cancer. (at that point they had yet to determine what stage it was.)

Once the tests came back, they found out he had stage 4, which with chemotherapy is curable. Stage 5 would have been terminal. That day their entire life changed. Their future that they had mapped out, changed in the blink of an eye.

My aunt & uncle have two young boys, ages 5 & 7. That's where I don't understand, why is this happening? They need their dad. They need a father that is going to help them through the tough things in life that a mom simply can't handle. (Now, I'm not saying that I've already marked him off as not being able to fight this & not being clear of cancer someday, no. I'm just hitting my breaking point tonight where I'm terribly hurting for them.) There is a reason God gave us a mother & father, because there are different qualities they have that the other can't fill, or at least not as well as they should.

This past week my uncle started his chemotherapy, & he isn't doing well at all. He's very sick, hasn't eaten all week & just told my aunt yesterday that he can't do this anymore. That he wants to give up & let the cancer take over his body. Now, I've known my uncle for the past 18 years & he's always been a strong man & seems to be a fighter, but he's very depressed & same as me...not understanding the reasoning. He just got taken to the hospital yesterday & hooked up to a IV because he was very dehydrated.

----
I guess the reason I'm laying out all my fears tonight is because I'm realizing how short life really is. 2 months ago my uncle had his whole life ahead of him. He had two young boys that he adored & a wife that he couldn't imagine going through life without & now he's on the verge of just letting everything go.

Life is short. Life is fragile.

I don't understand the reasoning that this is happening to our family & to my uncle, but I do know this---God has a plan for this. There is a reason this is happening & I pray daily that he will come out stronger in the end & he will be cancer free! Of course I don't know the outcome, but I know how great my God is. & how if He can make the whole earth flood, He can heal my uncle if that is what's suppose to happen. & if he's suppose to go spend eternity with God in Heaven, then that's where he will go & we will all crowd around my aunt & help her in any way she needs.

Nothing happens unless it is God designed. It's hurtful to think that it was in God's plan for my uncle to get cancer, right? yes. But, we are all going to sit back & watch him fight this, until he has nothing left to give.

My heart is definitely breaking tonight for my sweet little cousins that don't understand what cancer is, but all they're seeing each & every day is their dad laying in his bedroom in pain, slowly letting go. I can't even imagine seeing that.

Do me a favor--
appreciate your family tonight. Or anyone that you hold dear to your heart. You never know when it'll be their time to go...sad thought to think of, but it's true. God chooses when we take our last breath. Don't take this time for granted, love on them as much as you can. Because as you can see, you whole life can change in a matter of one day.

love,
me.

 *Prayers for my uncle Keith would be greatly appreciated.

lists, lists & more lists!

Oh wow, it's been a longgg time since I've written out a list of my favorite things, (or really anything that comes to my mind in the time of me writing this, so be warned.) I bet a lot of things have changed since last year at this time. But, that's okay, because if nothing had changed, I'd be a little worried. I want to change & become more of me & who I'm suppose to be.

So! He goes nothing. Enjoy, my dearest.

1. I officially don't like the name of my blog anymore, so expect a name change here soon. I apologize to anyone that liked it.

2. the Fall & winter seasons always get me in the mood to write. It seems that all the juices start flowing. I personally love it.

3. In the past year I have fallen in love with thrift store shopping. I love to hunt out other peoples crap & make it something unique & that costs very little to make new.

4. The half smile between kisses, will always be a favorite of mine.

5. I've been feeling stuck a lot lately. Hating my job & desiring to get out of this town I live in & venture out on my own. Wanting to pack up a suitcase & get in a car & drive....until I find a quaint little town that is calling my name. Where no one knows my name & they ride old vintage bikes all through their town.

6. That reminds me--I have been looking for months for a bike for myself. One that looks like it was made ages ago & has a cute little basket on the front. Preferably in the color turquoise, or a oldish yellow color.

7. currently I clean houses everyday of my life. cleaning pee off other peoples toilets isn't really where I imagined myself to be once I graduated high school. But, surprisingly people pay a lot of money to have pee cleaned off toilets, who knew?

8. I just recently fell on a wet floor & busted my iPhone...it was a very tragic day.

9. I've recently realized that you can go all day & not think of someone but when it becomes night & the moon & stars come out & it's time to bundle up in your coat & scarf with some hot chocolate you begin missing them.

10. I just bought Lady Antebellum's new Christmas cd--needless to say, I'm in-love with it.

11. I've never went ice skating.

12. I am addicted to Instagram & snapping photos everywhere I go.

13. I have an addiction to shoes. This is a habit I should, but probably won't break.

14. Coffee shops in quaint downtowns have always made me feel at home.

15. I'm literally at a loss for what my next step in life will be. Where I will go & what I will be doing. I'm realizing that I need to let God hold the pen to my life, instead of me constantly wanting to take it.

16. I have the cutest little nephew, ever. 6 months old, 6 teeth & he's on the verge of walking. he stole my heart the day he was born.

17. Taylor Swift is really good at writing songs that relate directly to my life. It's a sad fact.

18. This year I finally learned what slow dancing was like.

19. I love driving through the mountains, but get me on the interstate & I freak out. --There's just something peaceful about the mountains.

20. Fried Pickles are my biggest addiction. the chips, not the spears though.

-----
Goodnight my dearests. For whoever is out there reading tonight--thank you.

Grace.

Turquoise.

{For a short period of time I had turquoise hair. yes, me. I went out on a limb & cut off my beautiful long brown hair & dyed it blond & turquoise. It's not regretted though & also, it's just hair. It'll grow back eventually.
be adventurous.
You'll never know until you try.
seek out to find yourself.
dye your hair purple if that's what makes you feel the most you.
don't worry about what other people think, it's your life. Your choices.
do it.
believe in yourself & don't give up til you get to where you want to be.
don't look back on your life with regret. everything happened for a reason.
(we happened for a reason.)
Chop off your hair. 
write out your heart on paper & then tear it up.
take a late night ride to the coffee shop & read a good book.
get mad.
let the tears flow for once.
fight for something you truly want in your life.
listen to your heart for once.
&&, most importantly, don't let someone else define who you are.}

wedding dress.

I was browsing through photos today on Pinterest & came across wedding dresses, & immediately my mind flashed to a million different things. I want that someday, I want to walk towards a man that loves my flaws & see a future with me & promises to never let go, no matter what obstacles we face.

I want to seek adventure with him.
I want to travel this exquisite world with him by my side.
I want us to throw all our stuff in a old vintage suitcase & jump in the car & drive. Not knowing where we may end up, just driving & being content because we have everything we need sitting right in that car & we know we have a future together, that will not end until we are old & grey.

Whenever people asked me what I dreamt my wedding would be like or the house I would someday live in, I never had an answer for them, because it wasn't the material things that mattered in my book. It was the man that was standing at the end of the isle waiting for me to become his bride, & the man that would someday carry me into our first home. It's still that way. He's all that matters to me, of course I'm a girl & i hope for that beautiful big wedding dress & a full decked out day, but if the man I love can't give me that, then I will be content. Because once that day is over, he's the one I get to keep, forever.

My day will come, & so will my boy. He'll remind me everyday of his love for me & remind me how lucky I am to have that love. He'll believe in my dreams, even if they're a bit crazy & he'll stand by me while he's sees my dreams become reality.

He'll make other women jealous of me, but he won't make me jealous of other women. 

I'm only 18 years old, I have time to wait for the right guy to come along. No matter if I've already crossed paths with him, or if he's waiting to captivate me someday. Either way, I shall wait for you.

Grace. 

Hello lovelies.

I'm back!
Sorry for the months I've taken away from the keyboard...my life has been a little crazy & i've been hit with obstacles, but I'm reminded of something---God never gives us more than He KNOWS we can handle.

As I'm riding home tonight from being at a church event to see my nephew dress up for his first Halloween, I'm admiring God's beauty.
The Moon. -->it's full & has a beautiful tint to it. Harder for me to describe it, but just take my word for it or go look at it yourself. Anytime I've needed to feel God close I would always just look around at His beauty. He's everywhere. In the midst of pain & sorrow, He's there. In the midst of happiness & love, He's there. Always.

....I've drifted so far from Him. But, I'm opening a new chapter of my book & with that comes a lot of new adventures. For me to take alone...at least for awhile. Finding my ground & realizing who I am, on my own. I first need to become confident in myself & believe in myself. For so many years I've made an effort to let everyone around me know just how much I believe in them & am proud of them & in that time I've lost my own self confidence. A lot of it.

I will be writing more & hopefully posting photos of where this journey is going to take me, so...will you join me on this adventure?

I love you all. Deeply.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated!

Grace.

The moonless sky.

Tonight I'm sitting in the window of my house where you'd go down to the basement & I'm admiring the sky. Normally I hate nights like these, because the night seems so dark, like it's missing something. But, tonight it's beautiful. Like it's okay with being without the moon for a little while.

For years I've had a crazy love for the moon, I could sit & stare at it for hours & I would simply be content. As well as a sunset or sunrise. The sky inspires me, I guess. It's like God's little reminder to us all, telling us that He makes all things new. Because even though every morning the sun rises & every night the sun sets, it's still different. It's still unique. He adds color all the time to the sunset & makes it His own masterpiece.

He doesn't have to do this for us, but He wants to. He makes it indescribably beautiful for us, for a reason. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, we're looking at the same sky & admiring the same God as everyone else. There is only one person we have to thank for this. One person that gives us this beauty.

I guess that tonight I've taken a different appreciation for just how great & powerful my God truly is. & that even in a moonless night, beauty is found in the most unexpected places. There are giant bugs buzzing around outside the window & there is a momma bird laying in her nest right outside our front door. There is so much beauty unseen daily by the eyes of us humans.

Stop! Just slow your life down for a moment & capture this moment. I don't care if it's 3am when you're reading this or 3 in the afternoon. Capture this moment & remember it. What is out in this world that you drive by or walk by daily, but never truly take the time to capture it?

Well, it's late. & I think my thoughts have been well written for the night.

Goodnight my lovelies.
Grace.

Change.

It's official, I hate change.

black&white.

Tonight I learned something new.

Tonight someone very dear to me didn't accept something I love & adore.
There was a conversation flowing throughout my house tonight about adopting adorable black babies, & there was a person that entered our house that turned their back on the idea of someday having our house over-flowing with black babies or even a handsome black husband, if he were to enter mine or one of my sisters lives. They were not accepting.

I don't understand that. God loves us ALL the same, why can't this person? They are in no place to judge, but for some reason they had such a strong opinion on this.

One day, I will adopt a beautiful dark skinned baby & cover that child in love.
So will the rest of my family.

My sister was saying tonight how she wants to adopt at least two black babies. I adore that.
But, why is it so looked down on by certain people? Why? It's just a skin color, that's it.

You are in no place to judge, because if you were black, you'd hope that people would take the time to love you, right? I would love you just the same. I will love my someday babies just the same as I will my adopted children. There will be NO picking favorites. If you don't accept my 'views' on this, & won't love ALL of my family, well tough, you can leave.

I was raised up to love one another, just as Jesus does. <--why can't we remember that?

Black people are exquisite, in my opinion. Just stunning. & there are so many black children just waiting to have arms to love them & hold them. Wondering where their next meal will come from, or wondering if there will ever be someone that will love them. They want to be rocked to sleep & held when they're crying. Those beautiful black children desire all the same things we do, but so many of them lack ever being given the chance to be loved or accomplish their dreams. Why? Because there are too many people in this world looking down on them as if they are dirt. As if they are the scum of the earth & don't even deserve a second glance.
Who are we to think we're better then them?

This person that entered our home tonight told us that they would disown us if we ever had a black child or husband enter our home. They weren't kidding either. I don't agree with that, at all. Your views, are very low.

Why is it that blacks are so frowned upon, but when someone has a baby out of wedlock, it's fine by the majority of the world today? Or when someone is sleeping around or in a homosexual relationship?

We're ALL the same. Every single one of us is beautiful & loved by the one that created us & formed us. By the one that decided what color our skin would be, & who our parents would be. If we'd have two black parents or one black & one white, or two whites. God decided that & this is our chance to love everyone we come in contact with. Don't frown upon them just because they have a different skin color then you, that's not your place. Just love them the same & one day you will be rewarded, greatly.

I guess this just hit a soft spot in me tonight & I needed to write. I wanted the world to know just how I felt on this subject.
Many people most likely don't agree with me & that's fine. You don't have to, I'm not asking for acceptance, I'm just giving you a chance to hear my side.

Someday my house will be filled with beautiful black & white feet running across my floors. Of children that know what it feels like to be loved & adored & accepted. Who knows, maybe a handsome black boy will enter my life & we'll make our own exquisite dark skinned children. Only God knows, but I do know that I will love you just the same. No matter what you look like.

grace.

childhood.

Where have the years gone?
Why was I so willing to wish away the last couple years, just so I could be 18?
Now looking back, I don't have regrets--
I just wish I savored them a little bit longer.
I wish I cherished the car rides with my parents for just a couple minutes.
I'm remembering it all tonight.
The moments I fought with my sisters instead of loving them.
The moments where I slammed my door & shut the world out.
The moments where I just wished for the better 'tomorrow.'
I wish I didn't take those moments of looking into your eyes for granted.
I want to sit in my mom's lap again & have her wash all my fears away.
I want to be a child again.
I don't want to graduate high school & move out.
This moment, right now. --I'm taking a lot in.
I'm beginning to think of my graduation speech.
& my future is coming upon me sooner than I had imagined.
Looking back, I can barely remember being 15.
or 16.
What if my children ask me someday what it was like to be 16?
What shall I tell them? I wouldn't know what to say.
Don't wish for the future so much that you forget to live in the now.
Riding to school with my mom every morning & having our morning talks--that is what I'm remembering right now.
Anyone that is out there listening, don't take your parents for granted.
Don't be embarrassed of them.
Love them.
Desire to have them around & have date nights with them.
Once you move out, it'll never be the same.
In their hearts, you'll always be their baby--but, in reality you'll be grown up.
Remember to be yourself.
Remember to create memories.
Remember to walk with confidence.
Remember to love your peers.
My heart remembers our dances, & laughs, & smiles, & moments that took our breath straight from our lungs. --don't forget those kind of moments. They were unbelievable in the first place for a reason.
Make memories & hold them close to your heart.

-------
This year has been-->crazy, inspiring, tough, frustrating, challenging & memorable. My senior year has been nothing that I expected it would be, but everything I hoped it would be. I've met people that have changed me & encouraged me to stand my ground & be who I've been created to be.
Teachers that have planted seeds in my life & believed in me & challenged me beyond what they most likely thought they were capable of.
Most importantly-->parents that have guided me to here. They've stood by my side through everything. They've protected me when I need protection & they've been my biggest supporters when there was no one else willing. They've seen me grow & step out of my comfort zone. They've been here for my first breath of life & now their baby girl is graduating high school.

New stepping stones-->new adventures.-->completely new people.
Just me, one girl, simply trying to find her place in this world.

To everyone that has made my senior year become what it is...thank you.
I'd love to hand write a personal letter to each & every one of you, but life gets in the way & my hand tends to cramp up very quickly.
So, from me to you--I thank you. deeply. You've made this year, indescribable.

------
Well, it's late & this girl has a very big day planned tomorrow{or should I say, 'today.'} So, goodnight lovelies.

.Princess in Waiting.

Spring adventures.

As I'm sitting here tonight listening to two songs on repeat--
"Dancing away with my heart." By:Lady Antebellum.
"Hollywood's not America." By:Ferras.
---Many thoughts are running through my head. Many dreams are being brought to my mind of things I've wanted over the years. As well as a desire to get up & just start walking, with no planned destination, that is what is lurking in my mind tonight.
I want to make a list tonight--enjoy, my lovelies.

1. I want to move. Get out of this town & start fresh, explore all the possibilities God has in store for me, somewhere, far out there, I know there is something for me.

2. Pet a penguin.

3. Buy a lottery ticket.

4. ride a horse on the beach.

5. Take his last name.

6. Have a summer romance.

7. Put a message in a bottle & then toss it in the ocean.

8. pick up a hitch-hiker.

9. Have flowers delivered to me by a special someone.

10. Hearing my cat sneeze is literally the cutest thing....ever.

11. I just bought 3 pairs of Tom's--call me crazy but, Happy Graduation present to me!

12. Have someone care as much as I do.

13. explore every part of Ireland.

14. Be in New York for the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

15. Eat a croissant at a bakery in Paris.

16. Be remembered for something great.

17. Lay in the road in the middle of the night.

18. Spend the night at an Aquarium.

19. learn how to tie a tie.

20. build a blanket fort & spend all day in it.

---Some days writing is the only answer to all my questions. Writing helps where my words fail. Even if it's simple things like writing out quirky things I'd love to someday accomplish in my life. It's me, it's who I want to become. Who I'm going to create & explore. --I'm moving, I'm making that leap & saying 'goodbye' to a lot. Sometimes the only thing that is left to do is give up. You can only try at something for so long & then it's no longer worth it. It's time for me to explore new horizons & leaps & bounds of my future.

This road is leading somewhere, I know that. Somewhere crazy & radical. Somewhere that is going to help me find my place, my home. It may be in the middle of Italy or in the middle of a street in the dead of no where. --Only God knows my journey & the place I'll finally land & call home. Until then, I continue to write. I continue to let you hear my heart...I want you to know what it sounds like from the inside.

Grace.

You've captured my heart.

 With the first glance, you had captured all our hearts, little boy.
Liam Benjamin was born on April 16th 2012, at 7:53pm.
7lbs, 4 oz, 21 inches long.
He has long legs & fingers-- he definitely has apart of his Daddy in him.
We heard your cries before we saw your face & hearing your healthy, loud cry made all our hearts skip a beat.

{Little bean,
you are beauty. You are tiny & fragile, but the arms that have been holding you are safe, little one. They are protective. They are loving.
You couldn't have entered a more loving family sweet boy. & you are only 1 day & 3 hours old & i believe you're already the most photographed baby ever.
You have hair, soft beautiful hair & tiny ears.
I waited patiently in the waiting room for everyone to hold you & then it was my turn...I could have held you forever. No one ever told me that being an Auntie was this incredible. I knew the wait would be well worth it.
I couldn't take my eyes off of you.}

You entered two loving parents that will always care for you & protect you. You are their first. Their new love. Their new beginning. You are a product of the both of them & with that you carry some pretty great genes. --You will have attentive & willing parents. They've prepared for you, bean. They've read the books & went to the classes & in nine months your little Momma protected you in her little womb. She held you & kept you safe. She felt your first kick & she felt your last. She felt your hiccups & she lost sleep for you when you decided you wanted to wake up & move around in the night.

They have dreamt of you & every night they prayed over & for you.
They thought up your name & decided on Liam Benjamin.
Benjamin is your Daddy's middle name, what a strong name to carry with you. Make sure you have people respect you & be proud of your name. You were placed in this family for a reason, every little detail, God placed in you.
He picked out--
your eye color.
your hair color.
how long your fingers will be.
How tall you'll be someday.
your facial features.
your smile.
...Every detail about your handsome little self, God made. He created you into being. He wrote your name in the Lamb's book of life & sent you to us. Oh how precious you are.

I will enjoy being here for your journey of life, little boy. To see you grow, to see you walk & talk & call me Auntie for the first time. I look forward to your smiles & squeals & giggles. & the day you become a big brother. & have your first date & then get married. & have a child of your own & stand there in the family waiting room holding your bundle of joy, just as your Daddy had done last night & looked more proud then he's ever been. --I look forward to being here for it all, little bean.

I love you, darling boy.

-Auntie-Han-Han.

you're quirky.

You came into my life & showed me what it was like to be silly. To open yourself up & express your inner being. You were free & hidden all at the same time. You were changing with every passing day & that is what made everyday different & unique. You saw the world as a masterpiece. A beautiful, ever-changing piece of art that would always seem to surprise us & show us what it was truly like to live...to breath in this life.

You looked at the world differently, you craved something that was unseen by most. You searched & walked & desired to know more. --never let that desire die inside of you. Never stop searching.
Be a seeker.
Be a dreamer.
Be a wonderer.
Be you, your perfect little uniqueness.

You loved to climb. If it was within your distance you wanted to climb it. You wanted to search it out & see what was right over that ledge. Or mountain. You didn't want to see things from the ground, you wanted to see them from mountain sides & valleys & through walks & journeys, no matter where they might take you.

You were always a curious one. You wanted to know & you had a unique desire to read & find crazy, beautiful things through books. The written word is so important & lost by many these days, but you? no. You preferred holding a book in your hands. & looking at the world through that person's eyes. The author. The exquisite person that wrote those words on paper for us all. You enjoyed reading the raw & real thing. That's rare, never lose that about yourself. Always desire the written word & strive to seek out the truth.
Be different.
Be crazy.
Be beautiful.
Be radical.

You were a friend, a sibling, a child. & you were {ARE} blessed. You are surrounded by love. Do you see it? I hope so. Turn around, seek it out. Step out & give all the possibilities you have to offer. Don't hold back, don't fear. --surround yourself with family, even if you fear that it may not be the strongest at times, make it strong. Hold it together. Believe in it lasting. I believe in it.
When I look at your family I see laughter.
 --I see love.
I see a family that cares.
I see a family that may not always show it in the right way, but deep down inside, i see love & adoration for each other. Every time I've been around it's never failed me to see the love you all share.
That's something worth keeping & taking care of.
Don't run from who you are or what you were born into. You were born here, at this moment for a reason. For a purpose. You were formed by God's own hands & molded into who you are today & placed in this home...for. a. reason.

I'm proud of who you've become. You've been challenged & you've grown up so fast. I know that in your heart you're still a child, that's because I see it every once in awhile. I see the kid you're still longing to be. Wishing you could still be at time. Don't regret your past, just make the most of your present. Of who & where you are, right now. At this moment. Don't let this moment pass. Don't forget to let your heart live.

You know how to giggle. Moment when I see that true, genuine smile & laugh come across that face, those moments I capture & secure in my heart. Laughter has become apart of you. Never let someone steal that from you. If there ever comes a point in you life where you've realized you haven't laughed in a long time & you've lost that part of you. run. Go find that part of yourself again.
 
You believed in waiting.
You. are. beautiful.
You are someone that dreams & holds back often. You dream with your heart but then your mind tells you to wait. --one day, let your heart do the talking. Don't be stupid about it, but just let go. release yourself. be free.

I think you're running to find acceptance. To find what you know you've wanted all along. To find the path that will lead you home again. To find yourself. Do that. seek out the person you know you once were. All these qualities...they have not died. Some have went in hiding, but every season has it's challenges. Every season has the good & the bad. That doesn't mean you give up, that just means you try harder. 

You are craziness when you want to be. You are a story just waiting to be told.
You are a novel just waiting to be printed & put on a bookshelf.
You are a piece of art just waiting to be plastered on a wall.
You are a sunrise just waiting to rise.
You are a mountain just waiting to be climbed.
You are radiant, beautiful wonder just waiting to be sought out.
You are, simply you.
{& remember, don't let someone change something about you, for their own personal benefit. Let them love you for everything you are. You're unique in your own little way.}

----------------
 this is my place to be free & write. To explore the wonders of my heart as I'm pouring it on 'paper.'

{remember me.}

grace.

I need a hero.

"I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast,
and he's gotta be larger than life."
{holding out for a hero--Ella Mae Bowen.}

-------
Someday. You'll hold my hand & walk with me through this life. You'll promise to never let go & look into my deep brown eyes & share your heart. It's not too far of a dream, but some days it feels like i could walk through this life without you, forever.

I need a hero. A boy that sweeps me off my feet & isn't afraid of the, 'what if?' I need a boy that is honest to me & lets me in. I don't want to hide, i want to be proud of you. I want us to be proud of each other & how far we've come. I need a hero, someone that will fight for me. I need you to fight. I need there to not be anything too big for you to end up looking me in the face & telling me, 'i can't do this' & then walk away. I need you to be willing to stay. I need you to want to stay.

This little heart can only take so much. I may look strong on the outside & I may be holding a lot in, but inside, I'm breaking. I'm hurt. I'm struggling. I'm wondering & asking when I'll finally get a 'hero'. When I'll finally get someone that is willing to stay. That's willing to stay through the rough days & the obstacles that face us. I don't need a runner, I've had one too many of those walk into my life.
All they do is stay for a little while, take what they want & walk. They don't stick it out through the rough days to see the silver lining at the end.

Friends have walked--& i've pushed people away. I've given up & I've finally had enough at times. I've tried to run, but I always end up right back here, giving that 'one more chance.'

I've been walked on & I've allowed it. Not anymore. In the past year & a half, I've faced the darkest days of my life & I've had to sit there on my floor & cry out to God asking Him why I can't seem to find someone that's willing. Someone that's willing to see my tears & stay, instead of walk.

I need a hero. I need you. precious boy, whoever you are. Wherever you are. Out there in this world tonight, babe. I need you. The one that knows my heart. That wants to love me for ME. That wants to love every single flaw about myself. I need you, darling. The one that sees my tears & holds me & never thinks about walking. I need you to fight on my weak days.

I want us to share giggles together. I want us to experience life together, as one. Exploring this beautiful world that God created. I want to look into your eyes everyday of this life & not have to fear of you possibly someday, walking. Of you seeing a more 'beautiful' girl & realizing I'm not worth it anymore.

I want a piggyback ride. Silly dream? maybe. But, you'll understand.
You'll get my quirks. You'll look into my eyes & see the world as I see it.
We're a team though, don't forget that.

I may be jealous<--which will hopefully not last forever, but please remember something, don't judge me for this. It's not like I enjoy this side of me, it's just satan attacking. Everyone has things in their life satan is trying to attack & make people hate them for. Don't judge someone for their mistakes when you have mistakes of your own.

I'm also someone that sees the brighter side of things for the majority of this life. --> I don't like to hold grudges. I believe in giving more chances then someone rightfully deserves. & I stick up for the people that hold a special place in my heart. {don't lie to me though, that's a way to hurt me the worst.}
"worst thing about being lied to, is knowing you weren't worth the truth."

I'm normally the person putting aside my feelings for the need of someone else. I listen. I love. I pray. I hope for a change. --I'm the type of person that's willing to be long suffering love. <--I was once told that & that's probably one of the things that has stuck with me the most. Not because of the person that said it, because in the end, God is the one that made me who I am today. It's because someone outside of my family took the time to see that quality in me. They were willing. Even if it felt like for only a short time.

Tonight I suppose I expressed a lot. A lot more then I normally--or ever have. But, I was feeling vulnerable tonight. I was feeling willing. I guess when I write I feel like there is someone listening. Someone that is willing.
--Whoever you are, out there tonight. Weather it's you, babe. Or someone hundreds of miles away, reading directly from my heart tonight.
Thank you.

grace.

Summer's journey.

"a fallen leaf is nothing more than a Summer's wave goodbye."
{nameless.}

new beginnings & an incredible journey with God.

Tonight my mind was made up. Tonight my mind was changed.--it happened a little like this.

{I was driving back with my Momma from visiting a beauty school in Murfreesboro, TN & as we were driving on the interstate I looked in the reflection of the mirror & I saw it. I saw a magnificent sky that was exploding. Why me? Why do I deserve to see that & soak in God's beauty? why?}

As I was sitting there taking it in, not really grasping whatever my mom was talking about at the moment, God was taking me on a journey. Right there, at that moment. I was traveling with Him. Exploring what my next chapter may hold. He knows already where I will be come this September, but me? I'm slowly learning. *Deciding* would be a better word.

As we were traveling He was explaining to me what I need to let Him decide for me. What I need to let go of. I was scared. simple as that. I was fearful of those two simple words, 'what if?' 

I could see myself there. For the first time in a very long time I actually felt at home. a new beginning. I NEED that. I need a place that is completely new & different. I need to be free to run if i need to. Somewhere that allows me to be ME. To become who I'm suppose to be. I need to be in a place that is not reminding me of my past, often. I need to break free of the chains satan is holding against me. What he tends to remind me of, often.

I saw myself traveling to that beauty school everyday & enjoying myself. Loving the life I had & learning so much in those 12 months. I want that.
Am I ready to move out on my own? not really. But, If this is what God wants for me, He will prepare me for the future. He will prepare me for September.

As I was looking in that mirror, I was seeing it all. Most importantly, God was showing me His beauty. First hand. He wasn't working through someone to show it to me, He was grabbing my hand & taking me for a journey. He was showing me what my life COULD be like if I just let Him take the wheel. If i sat back for once & enjoyed the ride.

--Now, I also have some choices I have to make on my own, this will determine my future. & I need you all's help. First off, I need prayer, big time. I'm trying for a scholarship right now--full ride scholarship to a different beauty school & on the 20th of this month they will determine the winner. They are only giving out ONE full ride, that's huge. It's a $18,000 scholarship. It would be a TOTAL God thing if they picked me. But if not, I know God has something better in store for me. Somewhere else He wants me to be. So, I need prayer, first & foremost. I need direction.

There are moments when I feel like I know EXACTLY where I want to be & where I "think" God wants me & then there are moments where I feel like I've been pushed on the ground & shoved back to square one. This decision is big. It's my next chapter of my life. What will lead me to the later chapters in my lovely life.

There are days when God feels so close & tonight was one of those nights. I felt like I could FEEL His hands on mine if i just stretched my hand out towards His. He felt near. This is how I feel like I'm on the right path with continuing with looking into cosmetology. Why this field? I have no idea, but I think that's something God is beginning to show me, of why He wants me here.

follow me on my next chapter? I promise to keep you updated.
& thank you in advance for the prayers.

grace.

We are.

"We are the dream seekers.
We are the world rememberers.
We are the heart listeners."

-grace.

you are, who you are.

I've realized something lately...the fact that you shouldn't have to change who you are for someone. You should be wanted & desired for who YOU are. & same goes for the other person. Anyone who walks into your life, don't look at them with expectancy that they will someday change things about themselves. Don't expect a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. out of them.

& don't change who you are just to be accepted or adored.
You're unique.
You're beautiful.
You're special.
You're simply you. --the person God designed you to be, so don't assume you need to change things about yourself for someone else.

There are things about myself that i don't like all that much, but if I desire to change on my own & with God's help, that's perfectly fine. Just don't do it just to please someone else, or to keep them around just a little bit longer.

be yourself.
be who YOU want to be.
change what YOU want to change.

I'll admit it, I have jealousy issues. big ones. It's not a trait I'd like to continue with the rest of my life, but God is helping me. It's a struggle & I believe because of this, i may have lost some friendships in my lifetime, but everyone deals with their issues. Everyone has things in their life they are not proud of. Does that make them a bad person? no. It makes them human. Everyone makes mistakes & messes up every once in awhile, but does that mean you should just get up & walk out? no.

What in your life is worth fighting for? anything? Did anything come to mind just now? if so, go for it. Fight for what YOU want. Not what others want for you. Go for what your HEART wants. & run.

Run through a field. A field of flowers & grass & sunflowers.
Run down the middle of the road, out in the country.
Run through the woods in your back yard or in your favorite hide away place.
feel free for once.
simply, run.

Feel that childlike freedom. Experience being yourself again.
Find your home roots again. Find what your heart desires & be exactly who YOU want to be.
Don't become something for someone that you'd never truly want to become.
Because after you've become that, it's all the more harder to find home again.
listen to your heart beat & don't let life pass you by. Don't continue waiting for tomorrow to get here & before you know it, you're looking back & 20 years has gone by. Live now. Dream now. Cherish now.

You are YOU for a reason.
If someone doesn't like you, well then, it's their loss.
You are inspiring.
You are lovely.

Grace.

It's my chance.

This is my life. My moment. My chance to stand in front of everyone I know & be proud of who I am. Leave a legacy in my high school years. Move forward & not be scared of what may come in my future.

Move out. Move on. 

Finally let my heart be FREE to dance, be FREE to love. Tonight has been a night of really realizing who I am & what place I hold in this world. What place I hold in peoples hearts. & if I even hold a place. It's been my moment to have the light shine on some things in my life. To open my eyes to the unseen. Reveal to me what has been in the darkness for so long.

It's time. It's time to step out of my comfort zone & push myself. Without other people making me do it. I want to desire it on my own. I want to challenge myself & grow in who I am. Who my Heavenly Daddy wants me to be.

This is my chance to show the world that I'm not the 'typical' girl you'll come in contact with. ---I'm insecure. I'm jealous. I fearful. I'm very weak. I'm afraid of letting go.

I'm silly. I'm not a very good dancer.
--I finally found out what slow dancing is all about. I was once told, "If it's with the right person, slow dancing is not awkward." <--This is a true statement.
I step on toes.
I step on my own toes.
I trip on my own feet.

I like to do quirky things with my hair.
I spend an excessive amount of time doing my hair. {It's my weakness.}

I've spent a couple years waiting for something to happen, my heart is finally getting ready to say goodbye. Tonight I became okay with the idea of saying goodbye. {that's only how I feel tonight though.}

I'm not the kind of girl you'll find dancing like crazy, or singing at the top of her lungs, but if you stick around long enough. She begins to trust & open herself up. -She wants to dance like crazy & she also wants to be twirled.

I won't be the one to volunteer to pray out loud, although I love to pray & have long talks with my Heavenly Daddy.

I adore the nights I can get dressed up, sometimes for no reason. But, I think I adore the nights of sweatpants & hoodies more.

I can put up a nice fight. Normally I won't let you walk all over me, I can hold my own ground. Don't let this pretty face fool you.

I believe in being radically, tingles in your toes, flutters in your heart, silly smiles, with crazy, inspiring, write out your heart--in love.
Have I experienced this love yet? no.
I do know that someday I will though.

I know that on nights like these, or when something happens in my life--I write. It's my way of letting everything out. Of feeling free. When I write, I hold nothing back. Sometimes, it's just for me to see, sometimes it's for the whole world to read. I'm an open book most of the time.

I'm a writer, I rarely hold things back.
I love to write cards.
I love to encourage people.

There are so many people I come in contact, that through their eyes I can see that they have no one that believes in them. No one they can run to. No one they feel is their constant. --We're all children of God, we ALL need love. I want to love them. I want them to know they have someone that believes in them.

I can see it in their eyes.

--Have you ever not thought about someone in a long time & then all the sudden they begin to show up again in your dreams, a couple nights in a row?
This is me right now.
Do you ever feel like dreams could be a product of your future? Something God may be getting you equipped for? He may be preparing you for something? Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but this is my place to write out my heart. If you don't want to hear it, you have the freedom to leave. I'm not stopping though, because I know there are people that want to read about my sometime quirky, sometimes sad thoughts.

I'll continue writing, no matter if I'm the only one left.

Grace.

Don't walk away.

{Hold tight. Hold tight baby. Remember our days. Remember them on your bad days. Remember them as you're driving down the road. Remember us. Hold tight to the laughter. Hold tight to the days spent together. Hold tight to us. Don't let it got to waste. Don't forget what your heart wants. Don't push me away.}

-grace.

trail blazer.

I'm blazing my trail. seeking out to find the best in this world. Traveling with the loves of my life. & desiring to make a tiny difference in this world, that to other people on the outside looking in, it won't be a 'tiny' difference.


I'm hoping to find my boy on this road. The boy that captures my heart & gaze. The boy that steals my glances & I someday steal his last name. I want to love, not just the 'simple' love, the 'you sing at the top of your lungs, dance like crazy, be inspired by just one glance, captivating & irrevocably in-love' kind of love. <--that love, sounds enchanting.


I'm a girl that's not simple. I have flaws & I have fears. I have the fear of the unknown & wondering what which path I should take. Where each path may take me & if it's truly God's voice calling me. I'm the Senior that is right now going to the university of the undecided...sounds fun, right? --I know God is working though, that's why I don't really have any fears. I have some, but God knows the outcome. He will come through for me....in His timing though.


-grace.

moments like this.

 "It would be their moment, their moment to let their hearts jump for each other."
-grace.

What is "love" ? truly.

Love is not a feeling.
Love is an action.


Do you really think that if you only ever say you love someone, but never show...are they going to feel loved? no. Love needs to be expressed. We need to hear it & see it.


Love is not what it's expressed to be these days. Love is suppose to be something that you share with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, not something you just throw out there, hoping the boy will feel the same way.


"I love you" is special. It's not meant to be taken lightly & you're not suppose to mean it lightly either.


You're in-love with someone when you know 100% that you'd give your life for theirs, if EVER needed. If you're not fully willing to do that, you don't love them. At least, not in the way you think you do.


There are SO many songs out there, that {I'm a victim of it as well} make you all "happy inside." They do something, that sparks those "feelings." Feelings are just feelings, if they aren't followed up with something real. Something worth fighting for.


Would you fight for a friendship or relationship? Is there anything that important in your life, right now? There are so many people out there, right now, just dating because they wanna have "fun." I just want to say, that there will come a point in my life, that I have fun. But, it'll be with the right boy. I may not have a date on a Friday night like a lot of people my age do, but someday...I will. & I won't have the hurt & fears of my past relationships, because there won't be any.


Don't get me wrong, I'm NO where near perfect. I never have been & never will be. I'm just deciding to make this statement of purity.


If you don't truly love them, don't force yourself to say it. Stand firm on wanting to keep it for the right moment in time, when you feel it's finally time.


------
I wrote this while back, but tonight I've decided to finish it. It's just been a subject on my mind lately & I was talking to a lady the other day that mentioned that statement, "Love is not a feeling, it's an action." --it opened up a lot of questions for me. Why are the words, "I love you" just thrown out there these days? Is there nothing sacred anymore? Nothing that is kept for engagement or dare I say, marriage? It's not cool people. There are less & less people waiting in today's world. Most people haven't even heard of saving yourself for one, special person. It's just not common in this world today, but you know what is common? Teen pregnancy, abortions, STD's, divorces, drugs, relationship jumping, pornography....& many other things. It is rare to come in contact with people in the outside world that are still at least 50% saved.


It's tough, but I know that God has all of this in His hands. He knows what this world is coming to. He knows when the ending day will be. Crazy, huh? That God is ruler over everything? He knew that all this sin would enter our world & all the temptations that would haunt us. He knew it & He will one day put an end to it all, at least for us all that have devoted our lives to following Him.


Someday we will walk on streets of GOLD. Beautiful streets, side by side with our Heavenly Daddy....Who wouldn't want that?


I guess I kind of got off the subject of "love", but if you think about it, it all relates in one way or another.


Loves.
Grace.