Believing.

{This is describing me tonight. ~
Believing in the strong power of God.
Believing in healing.
Believing in FREEDOM.
Believing in the strength to finally let go.
Believing in a new beginning.
Believing in you.
Believing in my prayers.
Believing in someday seeing you walk towards a man while wearing a dress of all white.
Believing in the bondages being broken free.}


--I'll never stop believing.

Love,
me.

The love of a Grandma.

Funerals.
When you hear that word most people think of sadness & pain.
Tonight I saw something different. --I saw happiness. Happiness in knowing she is in a better place & knowing she is with the man she always loved. They are reunited. I heard memories. Memories that I only wished I could have seen for myself, but hearing about them tonight & being allowed to enter into that world, was love to me.

I only met her once, but one time was all it took for me to come to adore your Grandma. She had this bright smile that lit up the entire room & made you feel like family from the moment you walked in her door, til the moment you walked out. She showed me love & acceptance & told me to come around whenever I wanted to....I only wish I had.

As I sat in the pew tonight as you walked around & greeted family that you hadn't seen in years, I memory walked. I let myself memory walk tonight to a day that will always be dear to my heart. July 1st, 2012. The day I met her. Every time I pictured her face in my mind, I cried. I don't exactly know why because she was your grandmother, but I did. I cried because I remembered hearing her talk to you & how proud she was of you. I cried because I remembered when she asked who I was & you introduced me as your girlfriend & she showered me in loving words. I cried because I remembered how much I didn't want to go meet her that day, because my stomach was in knots, I was so nervous to meet someone so important to you. & in the end I cried because I'm so grateful for that day & for you, because of the fact that you took me to see her & she got the chance to meet me & I got to hear stories from your childhood.

I realized tonight that July 1st, 2012 will always hold more meaning than I ever thought it would. & I'm so grateful for that.

As we said our goodbyes to her this evening I looked over at you, as you had tears in your eyes & I began to break inside for you. You don't cry very often, but when you do I see that it's you letting all your walls down & allowing yourself to feel sadness. Tonight I saw that. & tonight, for the first time in three years, I stood back & let you deal with your sadness alone.

Thank you for taking me to the house they use to live in & telling me stories from your childhood. Thank you for taking me to meet her & allowing me to feel loved by her. I only wish I could have met her more than once, but at least I have one memory to carry with me. Her infectious smile & laugh. She was stunningly beautiful.

She was proud of you. I could see it & hear it in the conversation you two shared. She'll always be proud of you, & she'll always be with you. --The day you graduate college, get married, have your first child. Every journey in your future, she'll be watching over you, with love & adoration for you.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this tonight & giving me the opportunity to say goodbye to her as well. She was a beauty.

love,
me.

my last goodbye.

{Three years later & your goodbye hurt.}

I don't know the reasoning behind this, but I know that it's time for me to release you. No matter if you never read this, or if you're reading it tonight. I need to do it for myself. So, I can feel free.
I don't plan on forgetting about the past three years, but I don't plan on lingering on them either. They're memories, but that's all they shall be. Memories, fading into the dust & becoming stepping stones to our futures.

I do. I remember that day like it was yesterday. bald head, brown beanie cap on, & a smile the lit up the entire room. You made it important to talk to me that night & you did, for the entire evening. You made an impression from the first day. I miss that boy.

You have changed. I have changed. --& with that, we have made our way here. To our last goodbye. We've had many of these in the past three years, but none of them have ever lasted long, I've always welcomed you back with open & ready arms. I can't anymore though. You chose this & you know that. Weather you regret it now or will someday, you made the choice & I'm doing my part by releasing you.

{always a favorite of mine.}
we spent a summer together, three months is all it took for me to fall for you, for me to have my heart fall deep into a boy that changed up my world. & will always carry apart of me with him. One Summer, that's what I asked for & you gave me that, but in the end, that was all you could give me. I asked for more & you denied me what I needed.

College hit us--

I became this to you. The option instead of a priority. Please, don't make the next girl an option as well.

You've changed a lot since college started. I knew that you wanted to get out of our small town someday, but I didn't know that meant leaving everyone behind. But, it's what you've done. You've said goodbye to this chapter of your life & you're desiring to live up your college years. That's completely okay, I just hope someday you don't look back on these days with regret. Regret of pushing your family away & the people that cared more for you than the people that are now graduated & moving away to far off places. I hope you figure out what's most important to you.

You were very good at giving me your time when you were home & didn't have college & friends surrounding you, but I wanted to be apart of that world. You never gave me the chance. You never seemed to be proud to call me yours.
It's okay though, the next boy will be.

You did. I tried to stay. I even asked to stay & you let go.
The last time I looked into your eyes they seemed hidden, blocked off to me & no longer mine to look into. It took me three years to have you let me into your world. & in the blink of an eye, we said goodbye.

We've parted ways & I only hope that someday we may cross paths again, maybe in a coffee shop while you're ordering a Chi Tea, or I'll see your band's name on a flyer for a concert & see you from afar. Wherever it may be, or if the time never comes where we lock eyes from a distance, I wanna say thank you.

{Thank you for letting me go. If the 'spark' was no longer there for you, or if it never was, I thank you for giving the next boy a chance at truly loving me & knowing what it feels like to be a priority, instead of an option.
Thank you for the past three years.}

I'm not distraught over this, I'm rather excited to see where my next journey will take me. I wouldn't trade the past three years for anything, but it's time that I move on & find myself. Find out who I am, without depending on someone else's happiness. You should too.
But, do me a favor. Seek out happiness & love in God first. Don't try to 'fill the void' with someone else other than God. He needs this time with you. Same as me, He needs some alone time with me. Where there are no distractions & He doesn't have to share me with someone else. Give Him that much, please.

One last thing...

Grace.

Stop test-driving your girlfriend.

 {a friend of mine posted this tonight & I felt like she posted it directly for me to read. No, I'm not a boy. But, it was still really good & reassuring for me to hear. I hope that you all will take the time to read it as well & really hear the words you are reading. It'll be worth it.}


http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm

enjoy.

Crawling in bed.

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is crawl in bed for the entire day & wait til it's tomorrow. My dreams last night are better than my reality at the moment.

Well, I'm off to clean some things.

cancer.

I'm slowly breaking down....
I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Why parents are taken from their children that need them. Or why parents have to sit there & watch their child slowly dying. I know death is apart of life, but it's still hard for me to grasp.

He's my story for the night--
about a month ago my parents came to me & told me that my uncle has colon cancer. He's only a couple years older than my parents & when he went into the hospital one day for a normal appointment he walked out with either stage 4 or stage 5 of cancer. (at that point they had yet to determine what stage it was.)

Once the tests came back, they found out he had stage 4, which with chemotherapy is curable. Stage 5 would have been terminal. That day their entire life changed. Their future that they had mapped out, changed in the blink of an eye.

My aunt & uncle have two young boys, ages 5 & 7. That's where I don't understand, why is this happening? They need their dad. They need a father that is going to help them through the tough things in life that a mom simply can't handle. (Now, I'm not saying that I've already marked him off as not being able to fight this & not being clear of cancer someday, no. I'm just hitting my breaking point tonight where I'm terribly hurting for them.) There is a reason God gave us a mother & father, because there are different qualities they have that the other can't fill, or at least not as well as they should.

This past week my uncle started his chemotherapy, & he isn't doing well at all. He's very sick, hasn't eaten all week & just told my aunt yesterday that he can't do this anymore. That he wants to give up & let the cancer take over his body. Now, I've known my uncle for the past 18 years & he's always been a strong man & seems to be a fighter, but he's very depressed & same as me...not understanding the reasoning. He just got taken to the hospital yesterday & hooked up to a IV because he was very dehydrated.

----
I guess the reason I'm laying out all my fears tonight is because I'm realizing how short life really is. 2 months ago my uncle had his whole life ahead of him. He had two young boys that he adored & a wife that he couldn't imagine going through life without & now he's on the verge of just letting everything go.

Life is short. Life is fragile.

I don't understand the reasoning that this is happening to our family & to my uncle, but I do know this---God has a plan for this. There is a reason this is happening & I pray daily that he will come out stronger in the end & he will be cancer free! Of course I don't know the outcome, but I know how great my God is. & how if He can make the whole earth flood, He can heal my uncle if that is what's suppose to happen. & if he's suppose to go spend eternity with God in Heaven, then that's where he will go & we will all crowd around my aunt & help her in any way she needs.

Nothing happens unless it is God designed. It's hurtful to think that it was in God's plan for my uncle to get cancer, right? yes. But, we are all going to sit back & watch him fight this, until he has nothing left to give.

My heart is definitely breaking tonight for my sweet little cousins that don't understand what cancer is, but all they're seeing each & every day is their dad laying in his bedroom in pain, slowly letting go. I can't even imagine seeing that.

Do me a favor--
appreciate your family tonight. Or anyone that you hold dear to your heart. You never know when it'll be their time to go...sad thought to think of, but it's true. God chooses when we take our last breath. Don't take this time for granted, love on them as much as you can. Because as you can see, you whole life can change in a matter of one day.

love,
me.

 *Prayers for my uncle Keith would be greatly appreciated.

lists, lists & more lists!

Oh wow, it's been a longgg time since I've written out a list of my favorite things, (or really anything that comes to my mind in the time of me writing this, so be warned.) I bet a lot of things have changed since last year at this time. But, that's okay, because if nothing had changed, I'd be a little worried. I want to change & become more of me & who I'm suppose to be.

So! He goes nothing. Enjoy, my dearest.

1. I officially don't like the name of my blog anymore, so expect a name change here soon. I apologize to anyone that liked it.

2. the Fall & winter seasons always get me in the mood to write. It seems that all the juices start flowing. I personally love it.

3. In the past year I have fallen in love with thrift store shopping. I love to hunt out other peoples crap & make it something unique & that costs very little to make new.

4. The half smile between kisses, will always be a favorite of mine.

5. I've been feeling stuck a lot lately. Hating my job & desiring to get out of this town I live in & venture out on my own. Wanting to pack up a suitcase & get in a car & drive....until I find a quaint little town that is calling my name. Where no one knows my name & they ride old vintage bikes all through their town.

6. That reminds me--I have been looking for months for a bike for myself. One that looks like it was made ages ago & has a cute little basket on the front. Preferably in the color turquoise, or a oldish yellow color.

7. currently I clean houses everyday of my life. cleaning pee off other peoples toilets isn't really where I imagined myself to be once I graduated high school. But, surprisingly people pay a lot of money to have pee cleaned off toilets, who knew?

8. I just recently fell on a wet floor & busted my iPhone...it was a very tragic day.

9. I've recently realized that you can go all day & not think of someone but when it becomes night & the moon & stars come out & it's time to bundle up in your coat & scarf with some hot chocolate you begin missing them.

10. I just bought Lady Antebellum's new Christmas cd--needless to say, I'm in-love with it.

11. I've never went ice skating.

12. I am addicted to Instagram & snapping photos everywhere I go.

13. I have an addiction to shoes. This is a habit I should, but probably won't break.

14. Coffee shops in quaint downtowns have always made me feel at home.

15. I'm literally at a loss for what my next step in life will be. Where I will go & what I will be doing. I'm realizing that I need to let God hold the pen to my life, instead of me constantly wanting to take it.

16. I have the cutest little nephew, ever. 6 months old, 6 teeth & he's on the verge of walking. he stole my heart the day he was born.

17. Taylor Swift is really good at writing songs that relate directly to my life. It's a sad fact.

18. This year I finally learned what slow dancing was like.

19. I love driving through the mountains, but get me on the interstate & I freak out. --There's just something peaceful about the mountains.

20. Fried Pickles are my biggest addiction. the chips, not the spears though.

-----
Goodnight my dearests. For whoever is out there reading tonight--thank you.

Grace.

Turquoise.

{For a short period of time I had turquoise hair. yes, me. I went out on a limb & cut off my beautiful long brown hair & dyed it blond & turquoise. It's not regretted though & also, it's just hair. It'll grow back eventually.
be adventurous.
You'll never know until you try.
seek out to find yourself.
dye your hair purple if that's what makes you feel the most you.
don't worry about what other people think, it's your life. Your choices.
do it.
believe in yourself & don't give up til you get to where you want to be.
don't look back on your life with regret. everything happened for a reason.
(we happened for a reason.)
Chop off your hair. 
write out your heart on paper & then tear it up.
take a late night ride to the coffee shop & read a good book.
get mad.
let the tears flow for once.
fight for something you truly want in your life.
listen to your heart for once.
&&, most importantly, don't let someone else define who you are.}

wedding dress.

I was browsing through photos today on Pinterest & came across wedding dresses, & immediately my mind flashed to a million different things. I want that someday, I want to walk towards a man that loves my flaws & see a future with me & promises to never let go, no matter what obstacles we face.

I want to seek adventure with him.
I want to travel this exquisite world with him by my side.
I want us to throw all our stuff in a old vintage suitcase & jump in the car & drive. Not knowing where we may end up, just driving & being content because we have everything we need sitting right in that car & we know we have a future together, that will not end until we are old & grey.

Whenever people asked me what I dreamt my wedding would be like or the house I would someday live in, I never had an answer for them, because it wasn't the material things that mattered in my book. It was the man that was standing at the end of the isle waiting for me to become his bride, & the man that would someday carry me into our first home. It's still that way. He's all that matters to me, of course I'm a girl & i hope for that beautiful big wedding dress & a full decked out day, but if the man I love can't give me that, then I will be content. Because once that day is over, he's the one I get to keep, forever.

My day will come, & so will my boy. He'll remind me everyday of his love for me & remind me how lucky I am to have that love. He'll believe in my dreams, even if they're a bit crazy & he'll stand by me while he's sees my dreams become reality.

He'll make other women jealous of me, but he won't make me jealous of other women. 

I'm only 18 years old, I have time to wait for the right guy to come along. No matter if I've already crossed paths with him, or if he's waiting to captivate me someday. Either way, I shall wait for you.

Grace.