Sleep deprived.

You know when your in that stage of "I need sleep now, because I feel like I could sleep for days..?" and the stage of "I need sleep but there is WAY too much going on in my head right now to sleep..?" yeah that's me right now. I'm needing sleep badly right now, but God is just speaking way too much to me right now for sleep. I believe that is sometimes when you get your best answers from God. So since I can't sleep I felt like I should write, because everything always seems to make sense in my writings..So we'll see!

I have so many questions for God. So many thoughts, and wonders why things happen, and there are times that those things that happen aren't the coolest things in the world. There are things that have been taken from me in the past, friendships, people in my life that I use to love. People that I still love but are no where to be found. One thing I do know is God is not to blame. In the past I've wanted to blame God for many things, and I realized that everything that happens in life only makes you stronger.

There have been times in my life that I have lost faith in my Jesus. Yes, I'm ashamed of it, but I just look at where I am now, and I think to myself, that may be what I needed to go through in the time where I felt alone, so I could cling to God, and realize that He wants to love me. I won't go into personal detail, but someone very important was taken from me about Nine years ago. In that time in my life, even though I was young, I lost faith in God. I didn't know why something so bad would happen to me. I blamed God for taking that special person out of my life. I felt helpless, and I felt that even if I tried I wouldn't be able to change anything. But I tried to change it, and there was a time I felt like I was to blame also. I thought I did something wrong. I realize now that nothing could change what happened. It happened for a reason, I still don't really know the real reason, but I know someday God will explain it to me. He will hold me in His arms and just let me cry it out while He explains why they were taken from me.

There are night I do cry in my Jesus' arms because of this. But I know that Jesus understands, and doesn't love me any less, and because at the time in my life I lost part of my relationship with my Jesus, I think it's stronger today because of it. He loves me, and realizes that I didn't want to be alone in that time in my life, but I felt like I shouldn't have come to Him in tears every night. He loved me the whole time though.

I'm sorry if I've put you all in a bummed mood, but I told you I was going to be real with you...Am I being real yet? :) This is what God was speaking to me tonight while laying in bed trying to sleep. I didn't really know the reason for this blog at first while I started writing tonight, but God just always seems to give me the words to type, I just have to be willing to listen. -I don't blame God any longer!

.Princess in Waiting.