The eve of our beginning.

It's been a year since the burst of a new chapter. It was on this day last year that little did i know tomorrow would hold such memory. Such new territory. You held new ground for me & lead me to new tomorrows, old yesterdays & a beginning we wanted for many years. In you held a carefulness. A sacred ground. Never will I be able to return to that place & not be reminded of what happened between me & a boy on a Summer filled day that started out like any normal one.

{You brought me to new heights that day.}

364 days ago we began a journey, it may have only lasted 4 months, but you birthed in me-- adventure, giddiness, a rebellious nature, a dream, courage, a desire to look deeper than the outer appearance, a leap of faith, choosing to listen to my heart, laughter, a second family, strength to speak up...you were it all. 

.me.

The world was mine.

{After all the years & people that walked in & out of my life, you're the one that asked to stay. But, most of all, your love was reciriprocated. & it's with that, that I went to bed that night & had the world.}

Babe.

I was beginning to accept that, that was all I deserved. A man of already given away promises & pieces of himself. I believed that I was already damaged & didn't deserve more than what was being offered before me, I was fearful that i wasn't worthy of what i once was. That what was standing before me today was as good as it was ever going to be, but then I saw it. --I saw the white dress, the man standing up at the alter, & as I was clinging onto my dad's arm one last time, before he gave his youngest daughter away, I was reminded of the long sleepless nights of praying for him & asking God to prepare his heart for the past regrets & failures that would one day await him before he took me as his bride. & it was on that day that i realized it was all worth it. Every day that I spent alone while seeing the world around me find their better half, I knew it was worth it. 

...he was worth it.

&&, he saw my worth, behind the damaged pieces & broken parts he saw the worth. He believed in looking past the outer appearance & desired to know the heart of me. More than anything, he stayed. He stayed through all the tears & 'I'm sorrys' I had to offer & asked to stay. I asked why he would want damaged pieces when he was worthy of so much more greatness & he replied with...."because that wouldn't be you." 

It was then that I saw it too. I saw the staines begin to be wiped away & a whole new journey began for me. 

...I may not know this man yet but, i pray for you every night, babe. 

Being a mom.

(She wrote directly from my heart tonight.)

She helped me see a future I've been trying to make come alive all too quickly. She let me know that my time will come & one day I will know what it feels like to have my own little one kicking & breathing life inside of me. 

It's all I've ever wanted....to be a mom. To know what it's like to hear your child say "mama" for the first time. To see them take their first steps. That is my dream career. I don't want to be a doctor or business women, I want to be a mom. I want to be exactly what my mom was to her 5 children. I want to see my children grow up before my own eyes & not just hear of stories from my babysitter. I want to capture it on film & make memories with them & my husband.

I believe that this is the life I was created for, the life God wrote out for me the day He formed me in my mother's womb. He spoke words of kindness & compassion into my life. He aches when He hears my cries of desire to have that, to experience that love & know what it's like to be a mom. 

Tonight i let that ache be known, that desire to see my own belly grow & form into my own little blessing, but until that moment is mine to capture, I will wait upon The Lord. 

Tonight you said to me that this life sounded only but a book written fairy tale to you & I responded with...."maybe so, but it's my story that will be told for generations to come." 

&&, someday I will reap the rewards of holding out for the best.

.the writer.

63 minutes.

I knew you for all of 63 minutes. But, in that time I saw my life flash to a future unknown, but one I wasn't scared to face. One I wasn't scared to picture in my head. If the only thing you did for me was to show me that I can see that silver lining again, than thank you. Thank you for taking that leap with me & for the honesty you shared. You didn't know me, you didn't have to open your heart to me, but you did. You showed me your inner most self & laid everything out on the table for me, you became vulnerable to me. You saw me as someone you could trust, at least I think you did.

Our words flowed so easily, they spoke of truth & honesty. They shared the words of a future & a promise that neither one of us wanted to budge on. --In the short time I knew you, I opened a part of my heart that hasn't known what it's like to flow fluently & not be afraid of how it would be taken on the other end. I also became vulnerable to you, I laid all the cards on the table & hoped you would accept me for me. --But, it was me that didn't accept you.

I said goodbye.
I said goodbye to the first person that let me know what it's like to believe again.
--Believe in a chance worth taking.

I didn't know you for long, & we only grazed the surface of who we are, but you brought me hope.
Hope that unknowingly I had been searching for all along.
for 63 minutes a smile enchanted my world, it came in & swept me off my feet.

&&, for that, I thank you.

.Grace.