As I'm sitting here tonight listening to two songs on repeat--
"Dancing away with my heart." By:Lady Antebellum.
"Hollywood's not America." By:Ferras.
---Many thoughts are running through my head. Many dreams are being brought to my mind of things I've wanted over the years. As well as a desire to get up & just start walking, with no planned destination, that is what is lurking in my mind tonight.
I want to make a list tonight--enjoy, my lovelies.
1. I want to move. Get out of this town & start fresh, explore all the possibilities God has in store for me, somewhere, far out there, I know there is something for me.
2. Pet a penguin.
3. Buy a lottery ticket.
4. ride a horse on the beach.
5. Take his last name.
6. Have a summer romance.
7. Put a message in a bottle & then toss it in the ocean.
8. pick up a hitch-hiker.
9. Have flowers delivered to me by a special someone.
10. Hearing my cat sneeze is literally the cutest thing....ever.
11. I just bought 3 pairs of Tom's--call me crazy but, Happy Graduation present to me!
12. Have someone care as much as I do.
13. explore every part of Ireland.
14. Be in New York for the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
15. Eat a croissant at a bakery in Paris.
16. Be remembered for something great.
17. Lay in the road in the middle of the night.
18. Spend the night at an Aquarium.
19. learn how to tie a tie.
20. build a blanket fort & spend all day in it.
---Some days writing is the only answer to all my questions. Writing helps where my words fail. Even if it's simple things like writing out quirky things I'd love to someday accomplish in my life. It's me, it's who I want to become. Who I'm going to create & explore. --I'm moving, I'm making that leap & saying 'goodbye' to a lot. Sometimes the only thing that is left to do is give up. You can only try at something for so long & then it's no longer worth it. It's time for me to explore new horizons & leaps & bounds of my future.
This road is leading somewhere, I know that. Somewhere crazy & radical. Somewhere that is going to help me find my place, my home. It may be in the middle of Italy or in the middle of a street in the dead of no where. --Only God knows my journey & the place I'll finally land & call home. Until then, I continue to write. I continue to let you hear my heart...I want you to know what it sounds like from the inside.
Grace.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
You've captured my heart.
Liam Benjamin was born on April 16th 2012, at 7:53pm.
7lbs, 4 oz, 21 inches long.
He has long legs & fingers-- he definitely has apart of his Daddy in him.
We heard your cries before we saw your face & hearing your healthy, loud cry made all our hearts skip a beat.
you are beauty. You are tiny & fragile, but the arms that have been holding you are safe, little one. They are protective. They are loving.
You couldn't have entered a more loving family sweet boy. & you are only 1 day & 3 hours old & i believe you're already the most photographed baby ever.
You have hair, soft beautiful hair & tiny ears.
I waited patiently in the waiting room for everyone to hold you & then it was my turn...I could have held you forever. No one ever told me that being an Auntie was this incredible. I knew the wait would be well worth it.
I couldn't take my eyes off of you.}
You entered two loving parents that will always care for you & protect you. You are their first. Their new love. Their new beginning. You are a product of the both of them & with that you carry some pretty great genes. --You will have attentive & willing parents. They've prepared for you, bean. They've read the books & went to the classes & in nine months your little Momma protected you in her little womb. She held you & kept you safe. She felt your first kick & she felt your last. She felt your hiccups & she lost sleep for you when you decided you wanted to wake up & move around in the night.
They have dreamt of you & every night they prayed over & for you.
They thought up your name & decided on Liam Benjamin.
Benjamin is your Daddy's middle name, what a strong name to carry with you. Make sure you have people respect you & be proud of your name. You were placed in this family for a reason, every little detail, God placed in you.
He picked out--
your eye color.
your hair color.
how long your fingers will be.
How tall you'll be someday.
your facial features.
your smile.
...Every detail about your handsome little self, God made. He created you into being. He wrote your name in the Lamb's book of life & sent you to us. Oh how precious you are.
I will enjoy being here for your journey of life, little boy. To see you grow, to see you walk & talk & call me Auntie for the first time. I look forward to your smiles & squeals & giggles. & the day you become a big brother. & have your first date & then get married. & have a child of your own & stand there in the family waiting room holding your bundle of joy, just as your Daddy had done last night & looked more proud then he's ever been. --I look forward to being here for it all, little bean.
I love you, darling boy.
-Auntie-Han-Han.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
you're quirky.
You came into my life & showed me what it was like to be silly. To open yourself up & express your inner being. You were free & hidden all at the same time. You were changing with every passing day & that is what made everyday different & unique. You saw the world as a masterpiece. A beautiful, ever-changing piece of art that would always seem to surprise us & show us what it was truly like to live...to breath in this life.
You looked at the world differently, you craved something that was unseen by most. You searched & walked & desired to know more. --never let that desire die inside of you. Never stop searching.
Be a seeker.
Be a dreamer.
Be a wonderer.
Be you, your perfect little uniqueness.
You loved to climb. If it was within your distance you wanted to climb it. You wanted to search it out & see what was right over that ledge. Or mountain. You didn't want to see things from the ground, you wanted to see them from mountain sides & valleys & through walks & journeys, no matter where they might take you.
You were always a curious one. You wanted to know & you had a unique desire to read & find crazy, beautiful things through books. The written word is so important & lost by many these days, but you? no. You preferred holding a book in your hands. & looking at the world through that person's eyes. The author. The exquisite person that wrote those words on paper for us all. You enjoyed reading the raw & real thing. That's rare, never lose that about yourself. Always desire the written word & strive to seek out the truth.
Be different.
Be crazy.
Be beautiful.
Be radical.
You were a friend, a sibling, a child. & you were {ARE} blessed. You are surrounded by love. Do you see it? I hope so. Turn around, seek it out. Step out & give all the possibilities you have to offer. Don't hold back, don't fear. --surround yourself with family, even if you fear that it may not be the strongest at times, make it strong. Hold it together. Believe in it lasting. I believe in it.
When I look at your family I see laughter.
--I see love.
I see a family that cares.
I see a family that may not always show it in the right way, but deep down inside, i see love & adoration for each other. Every time I've been around it's never failed me to see the love you all share.
That's something worth keeping & taking care of.
Don't run from who you are or what you were born into. You were born here, at this moment for a reason. For a purpose. You were formed by God's own hands & molded into who you are today & placed in this home...for. a. reason.
I'm proud of who you've become. You've been challenged & you've grown up so fast. I know that in your heart you're still a child, that's because I see it every once in awhile. I see the kid you're still longing to be. Wishing you could still be at time. Don't regret your past, just make the most of your present. Of who & where you are, right now. At this moment. Don't let this moment pass. Don't forget to let your heart live.
You know how to giggle. Moment when I see that true, genuine smile & laugh come across that face, those moments I capture & secure in my heart. Laughter has become apart of you. Never let someone steal that from you. If there ever comes a point in you life where you've realized you haven't laughed in a long time & you've lost that part of you. run. Go find that part of yourself again.
You believed in waiting.
You. are. beautiful.
You are someone that dreams & holds back often. You dream with your heart but then your mind tells you to wait. --one day, let your heart do the talking. Don't be stupid about it, but just let go. release yourself. be free.
I think you're running to find acceptance. To find what you know you've wanted all along. To find the path that will lead you home again. To find yourself. Do that. seek out the person you know you once were. All these qualities...they have not died. Some have went in hiding, but every season has it's challenges. Every season has the good & the bad. That doesn't mean you give up, that just means you try harder.
You are craziness when you want to be. You are a story just waiting to be told.
You are a novel just waiting to be printed & put on a bookshelf.
You are a piece of art just waiting to be plastered on a wall.
You are a sunrise just waiting to rise.
You are a mountain just waiting to be climbed.
You are radiant, beautiful wonder just waiting to be sought out.
You are, simply you.
{& remember, don't let someone change something about you, for their own personal benefit. Let them love you for everything you are. You're unique in your own little way.}
----------------
this is my place to be free & write. To explore the wonders of my heart as I'm pouring it on 'paper.'
{remember me.}
grace.
You looked at the world differently, you craved something that was unseen by most. You searched & walked & desired to know more. --never let that desire die inside of you. Never stop searching.
Be a seeker.
Be a dreamer.
Be a wonderer.
Be you, your perfect little uniqueness.
You loved to climb. If it was within your distance you wanted to climb it. You wanted to search it out & see what was right over that ledge. Or mountain. You didn't want to see things from the ground, you wanted to see them from mountain sides & valleys & through walks & journeys, no matter where they might take you.
You were always a curious one. You wanted to know & you had a unique desire to read & find crazy, beautiful things through books. The written word is so important & lost by many these days, but you? no. You preferred holding a book in your hands. & looking at the world through that person's eyes. The author. The exquisite person that wrote those words on paper for us all. You enjoyed reading the raw & real thing. That's rare, never lose that about yourself. Always desire the written word & strive to seek out the truth.
Be different.
Be crazy.
Be beautiful.
Be radical.
You were a friend, a sibling, a child. & you were {ARE} blessed. You are surrounded by love. Do you see it? I hope so. Turn around, seek it out. Step out & give all the possibilities you have to offer. Don't hold back, don't fear. --surround yourself with family, even if you fear that it may not be the strongest at times, make it strong. Hold it together. Believe in it lasting. I believe in it.
When I look at your family I see laughter.
--I see love.
I see a family that cares.
I see a family that may not always show it in the right way, but deep down inside, i see love & adoration for each other. Every time I've been around it's never failed me to see the love you all share.
That's something worth keeping & taking care of.
Don't run from who you are or what you were born into. You were born here, at this moment for a reason. For a purpose. You were formed by God's own hands & molded into who you are today & placed in this home...for. a. reason.
I'm proud of who you've become. You've been challenged & you've grown up so fast. I know that in your heart you're still a child, that's because I see it every once in awhile. I see the kid you're still longing to be. Wishing you could still be at time. Don't regret your past, just make the most of your present. Of who & where you are, right now. At this moment. Don't let this moment pass. Don't forget to let your heart live.
You know how to giggle. Moment when I see that true, genuine smile & laugh come across that face, those moments I capture & secure in my heart. Laughter has become apart of you. Never let someone steal that from you. If there ever comes a point in you life where you've realized you haven't laughed in a long time & you've lost that part of you. run. Go find that part of yourself again.
You believed in waiting.
You. are. beautiful.
You are someone that dreams & holds back often. You dream with your heart but then your mind tells you to wait. --one day, let your heart do the talking. Don't be stupid about it, but just let go. release yourself. be free.
I think you're running to find acceptance. To find what you know you've wanted all along. To find the path that will lead you home again. To find yourself. Do that. seek out the person you know you once were. All these qualities...they have not died. Some have went in hiding, but every season has it's challenges. Every season has the good & the bad. That doesn't mean you give up, that just means you try harder.
You are craziness when you want to be. You are a story just waiting to be told.
You are a novel just waiting to be printed & put on a bookshelf.
You are a piece of art just waiting to be plastered on a wall.
You are a sunrise just waiting to rise.
You are a mountain just waiting to be climbed.
You are radiant, beautiful wonder just waiting to be sought out.
You are, simply you.
{& remember, don't let someone change something about you, for their own personal benefit. Let them love you for everything you are. You're unique in your own little way.}
----------------
this is my place to be free & write. To explore the wonders of my heart as I'm pouring it on 'paper.'
{remember me.}
grace.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
I need a hero.
"I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast,
and he's gotta be larger than life."
{holding out for a hero--Ella Mae Bowen.}
-------
Someday. You'll hold my hand & walk with me through this life. You'll promise to never let go & look into my deep brown eyes & share your heart. It's not too far of a dream, but some days it feels like i could walk through this life without you, forever.
I need a hero. A boy that sweeps me off my feet & isn't afraid of the, 'what if?' I need a boy that is honest to me & lets me in. I don't want to hide, i want to be proud of you. I want us to be proud of each other & how far we've come. I need a hero, someone that will fight for me. I need you to fight. I need there to not be anything too big for you to end up looking me in the face & telling me, 'i can't do this' & then walk away. I need you to be willing to stay. I need you to want to stay.
This little heart can only take so much. I may look strong on the outside & I may be holding a lot in, but inside, I'm breaking. I'm hurt. I'm struggling. I'm wondering & asking when I'll finally get a 'hero'. When I'll finally get someone that is willing to stay. That's willing to stay through the rough days & the obstacles that face us. I don't need a runner, I've had one too many of those walk into my life.
All they do is stay for a little while, take what they want & walk. They don't stick it out through the rough days to see the silver lining at the end.
Friends have walked--& i've pushed people away. I've given up & I've finally had enough at times. I've tried to run, but I always end up right back here, giving that 'one more chance.'
I've been walked on & I've allowed it. Not anymore. In the past year & a half, I've faced the darkest days of my life & I've had to sit there on my floor & cry out to God asking Him why I can't seem to find someone that's willing. Someone that's willing to see my tears & stay, instead of walk.
I need a hero. I need you. precious boy, whoever you are. Wherever you are. Out there in this world tonight, babe. I need you. The one that knows my heart. That wants to love me for ME. That wants to love every single flaw about myself. I need you, darling. The one that sees my tears & holds me & never thinks about walking. I need you to fight on my weak days.
I want us to share giggles together. I want us to experience life together, as one. Exploring this beautiful world that God created. I want to look into your eyes everyday of this life & not have to fear of you possibly someday, walking. Of you seeing a more 'beautiful' girl & realizing I'm not worth it anymore.
I want a piggyback ride. Silly dream? maybe. But, you'll understand.
You'll get my quirks. You'll look into my eyes & see the world as I see it.
We're a team though, don't forget that.
I may be jealous<--which will hopefully not last forever, but please remember something, don't judge me for this. It's not like I enjoy this side of me, it's just satan attacking. Everyone has things in their life satan is trying to attack & make people hate them for. Don't judge someone for their mistakes when you have mistakes of your own.
I'm also someone that sees the brighter side of things for the majority of this life. --> I don't like to hold grudges. I believe in giving more chances then someone rightfully deserves. & I stick up for the people that hold a special place in my heart. {don't lie to me though, that's a way to hurt me the worst.}
"worst thing about being lied to, is knowing you weren't worth the truth."
I'm normally the person putting aside my feelings for the need of someone else. I listen. I love. I pray. I hope for a change. --I'm the type of person that's willing to be long suffering love. <--I was once told that & that's probably one of the things that has stuck with me the most. Not because of the person that said it, because in the end, God is the one that made me who I am today. It's because someone outside of my family took the time to see that quality in me. They were willing. Even if it felt like for only a short time.
Tonight I suppose I expressed a lot. A lot more then I normally--or ever have. But, I was feeling vulnerable tonight. I was feeling willing. I guess when I write I feel like there is someone listening. Someone that is willing.
--Whoever you are, out there tonight. Weather it's you, babe. Or someone hundreds of miles away, reading directly from my heart tonight.
Thank you.
grace.
I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast,
and he's gotta be larger than life."
{holding out for a hero--Ella Mae Bowen.}
-------
Someday. You'll hold my hand & walk with me through this life. You'll promise to never let go & look into my deep brown eyes & share your heart. It's not too far of a dream, but some days it feels like i could walk through this life without you, forever.
I need a hero. A boy that sweeps me off my feet & isn't afraid of the, 'what if?' I need a boy that is honest to me & lets me in. I don't want to hide, i want to be proud of you. I want us to be proud of each other & how far we've come. I need a hero, someone that will fight for me. I need you to fight. I need there to not be anything too big for you to end up looking me in the face & telling me, 'i can't do this' & then walk away. I need you to be willing to stay. I need you to want to stay.
This little heart can only take so much. I may look strong on the outside & I may be holding a lot in, but inside, I'm breaking. I'm hurt. I'm struggling. I'm wondering & asking when I'll finally get a 'hero'. When I'll finally get someone that is willing to stay. That's willing to stay through the rough days & the obstacles that face us. I don't need a runner, I've had one too many of those walk into my life.
All they do is stay for a little while, take what they want & walk. They don't stick it out through the rough days to see the silver lining at the end.
Friends have walked--& i've pushed people away. I've given up & I've finally had enough at times. I've tried to run, but I always end up right back here, giving that 'one more chance.'
I've been walked on & I've allowed it. Not anymore. In the past year & a half, I've faced the darkest days of my life & I've had to sit there on my floor & cry out to God asking Him why I can't seem to find someone that's willing. Someone that's willing to see my tears & stay, instead of walk.
I need a hero. I need you. precious boy, whoever you are. Wherever you are. Out there in this world tonight, babe. I need you. The one that knows my heart. That wants to love me for ME. That wants to love every single flaw about myself. I need you, darling. The one that sees my tears & holds me & never thinks about walking. I need you to fight on my weak days.
I want us to share giggles together. I want us to experience life together, as one. Exploring this beautiful world that God created. I want to look into your eyes everyday of this life & not have to fear of you possibly someday, walking. Of you seeing a more 'beautiful' girl & realizing I'm not worth it anymore.
I want a piggyback ride. Silly dream? maybe. But, you'll understand.
You'll get my quirks. You'll look into my eyes & see the world as I see it.
We're a team though, don't forget that.
I may be jealous<--which will hopefully not last forever, but please remember something, don't judge me for this. It's not like I enjoy this side of me, it's just satan attacking. Everyone has things in their life satan is trying to attack & make people hate them for. Don't judge someone for their mistakes when you have mistakes of your own.
I'm also someone that sees the brighter side of things for the majority of this life. --> I don't like to hold grudges. I believe in giving more chances then someone rightfully deserves. & I stick up for the people that hold a special place in my heart. {don't lie to me though, that's a way to hurt me the worst.}
"worst thing about being lied to, is knowing you weren't worth the truth."
I'm normally the person putting aside my feelings for the need of someone else. I listen. I love. I pray. I hope for a change. --I'm the type of person that's willing to be long suffering love. <--I was once told that & that's probably one of the things that has stuck with me the most. Not because of the person that said it, because in the end, God is the one that made me who I am today. It's because someone outside of my family took the time to see that quality in me. They were willing. Even if it felt like for only a short time.
Tonight I suppose I expressed a lot. A lot more then I normally--or ever have. But, I was feeling vulnerable tonight. I was feeling willing. I guess when I write I feel like there is someone listening. Someone that is willing.
--Whoever you are, out there tonight. Weather it's you, babe. Or someone hundreds of miles away, reading directly from my heart tonight.
Thank you.
grace.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
new beginnings & an incredible journey with God.
Tonight my mind was made up. Tonight my mind was changed.--it happened a little like this.
{I was driving back with my Momma from visiting a beauty school in Murfreesboro, TN & as we were driving on the interstate I looked in the reflection of the mirror & I saw it. I saw a magnificent sky that was exploding. Why me? Why do I deserve to see that & soak in God's beauty? why?}
As I was sitting there taking it in, not really grasping whatever my mom was talking about at the moment, God was taking me on a journey. Right there, at that moment. I was traveling with Him. Exploring what my next chapter may hold. He knows already where I will be come this September, but me? I'm slowly learning. *Deciding* would be a better word.
As we were traveling He was explaining to me what I need to let Him decide for me. What I need to let go of. I was scared. simple as that. I was fearful of those two simple words, 'what if?'
I could see myself there. For the first time in a very long time I actually felt at home. a new beginning. I NEED that. I need a place that is completely new & different. I need to be free to run if i need to. Somewhere that allows me to be ME. To become who I'm suppose to be. I need to be in a place that is not reminding me of my past, often. I need to break free of the chains satan is holding against me. What he tends to remind me of, often.
I saw myself traveling to that beauty school everyday & enjoying myself. Loving the life I had & learning so much in those 12 months. I want that.
Am I ready to move out on my own? not really. But, If this is what God wants for me, He will prepare me for the future. He will prepare me for September.
As I was looking in that mirror, I was seeing it all. Most importantly, God was showing me His beauty. First hand. He wasn't working through someone to show it to me, He was grabbing my hand & taking me for a journey. He was showing me what my life COULD be like if I just let Him take the wheel. If i sat back for once & enjoyed the ride.
--Now, I also have some choices I have to make on my own, this will determine my future. & I need you all's help. First off, I need prayer, big time. I'm trying for a scholarship right now--full ride scholarship to a different beauty school & on the 20th of this month they will determine the winner. They are only giving out ONE full ride, that's huge. It's a $18,000 scholarship. It would be a TOTAL God thing if they picked me. But if not, I know God has something better in store for me. Somewhere else He wants me to be. So, I need prayer, first & foremost. I need direction.
There are moments when I feel like I know EXACTLY where I want to be & where I "think" God wants me & then there are moments where I feel like I've been pushed on the ground & shoved back to square one. This decision is big. It's my next chapter of my life. What will lead me to the later chapters in my lovely life.
There are days when God feels so close & tonight was one of those nights. I felt like I could FEEL His hands on mine if i just stretched my hand out towards His. He felt near. This is how I feel like I'm on the right path with continuing with looking into cosmetology. Why this field? I have no idea, but I think that's something God is beginning to show me, of why He wants me here.
follow me on my next chapter? I promise to keep you updated.
& thank you in advance for the prayers.
grace.
{I was driving back with my Momma from visiting a beauty school in Murfreesboro, TN & as we were driving on the interstate I looked in the reflection of the mirror & I saw it. I saw a magnificent sky that was exploding. Why me? Why do I deserve to see that & soak in God's beauty? why?}
As I was sitting there taking it in, not really grasping whatever my mom was talking about at the moment, God was taking me on a journey. Right there, at that moment. I was traveling with Him. Exploring what my next chapter may hold. He knows already where I will be come this September, but me? I'm slowly learning. *Deciding* would be a better word.
As we were traveling He was explaining to me what I need to let Him decide for me. What I need to let go of. I was scared. simple as that. I was fearful of those two simple words, 'what if?'
I could see myself there. For the first time in a very long time I actually felt at home. a new beginning. I NEED that. I need a place that is completely new & different. I need to be free to run if i need to. Somewhere that allows me to be ME. To become who I'm suppose to be. I need to be in a place that is not reminding me of my past, often. I need to break free of the chains satan is holding against me. What he tends to remind me of, often.
I saw myself traveling to that beauty school everyday & enjoying myself. Loving the life I had & learning so much in those 12 months. I want that.
Am I ready to move out on my own? not really. But, If this is what God wants for me, He will prepare me for the future. He will prepare me for September.
As I was looking in that mirror, I was seeing it all. Most importantly, God was showing me His beauty. First hand. He wasn't working through someone to show it to me, He was grabbing my hand & taking me for a journey. He was showing me what my life COULD be like if I just let Him take the wheel. If i sat back for once & enjoyed the ride.
--Now, I also have some choices I have to make on my own, this will determine my future. & I need you all's help. First off, I need prayer, big time. I'm trying for a scholarship right now--full ride scholarship to a different beauty school & on the 20th of this month they will determine the winner. They are only giving out ONE full ride, that's huge. It's a $18,000 scholarship. It would be a TOTAL God thing if they picked me. But if not, I know God has something better in store for me. Somewhere else He wants me to be. So, I need prayer, first & foremost. I need direction.
There are moments when I feel like I know EXACTLY where I want to be & where I "think" God wants me & then there are moments where I feel like I've been pushed on the ground & shoved back to square one. This decision is big. It's my next chapter of my life. What will lead me to the later chapters in my lovely life.
There are days when God feels so close & tonight was one of those nights. I felt like I could FEEL His hands on mine if i just stretched my hand out towards His. He felt near. This is how I feel like I'm on the right path with continuing with looking into cosmetology. Why this field? I have no idea, but I think that's something God is beginning to show me, of why He wants me here.
follow me on my next chapter? I promise to keep you updated.
& thank you in advance for the prayers.
grace.
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