What if?

{I wrote this in a scrapbook awhile back & anytime I need a little reminder of why I am where I am today, I read this. I'm reminded of the chances I took & the times I put my whole self out there because I didn't want to look back one day & regret not taking that leap or being in that moment & not saying what I really wanted to say.}
If you haven't met me or truly gotten to know me, then you might not know this--I'm the most scared person there is. I hate leaving the comforts of home & exploring somewhere new. Somewhere where I don't know anyone & I'm forced to come out of my shell & speak. Literally, I get the shakes anytime I'm somewhere new.

I guess why I'm telling you all this is because I don't want any of you to be afraid to take that leap. To jump into the unknown & dive into something radical.
Something completely unexpected but insanely awesome. YOU are meant for greatness.

I may not know every single one of my readers by name or their back story, but I do know this--You are made for something BIG. Something that will at times, knock you to your feet because what God has planned for you will be beyond what you can imagine. But trust me, It'll be worth it. &&, years later you will look back & you'll be thankful you took that chance & didn't just sit in your room & watch the world pass you by.

THAT is why I'm taking my chance. I don't want to look back years from now & wonder, "what if?" --I want to expand my horizons & explore this crazy world God created. I want to work & do something every single day that I ENJOY & love.

Every day that passes I get more & more excited about September coming. I'm ready. I'm ready for it all.
I'm ready to see my world change.

I have this canvas on my wall I made about a month ago & it says,
"I am made for something BIGGER." --I am. & I know that now.
Yes, I'm a bit scared of leaving the comfort of home, because who wouldn't be?
But, I know this is a chance I NEED to take.
I need to leave.
I need to start a whole new book in my life story.

Take that moment in your hands & speak your mind. You'll regret the "What if" more than you would if you put yourself out there & got shot down.
It's a chance worth taking.

.the writer.

The beauty of not knowing.

I was watching "One Tree Hill" late last night, it was the one where Brooke & Julian get married & I sobbed...I know what you all must be thinking, "how pathetic is she?" --The truth is, I cry whenever anyone get married or I hear their story on how they met, I was at my best friend's bridal shower & I couldn't even speak a blessing over her because inside of me, I was sobbing.

I guess the reason for this blog tonight is because I know someday, it'll be my turn. --I know it's just a tv show, but for me, I get captivated into the characters world, kind of like you would if you were reading a novel. You fall into the trap of their world & their daily lives that you kind of feel like you are that character at times, right? At least I do.

I know someday I'm going to have a boy that's willing to fight for me.
He won't give up & we will work together as a team.
We will challenge each other in our daily lives & we will always find the comfort of home in each other.

Right now, it's all a mystery to me on how or where or when I will meet my boy, but I think honestly, that's the adventure....not knowing.
Not knowing what day will begin as a ordinary day & wind up as a day that you someday tell your great grandchildren about.
If I knew, or even have a little in on when we would meet, I would be longing for that day & that day only. But, instead, I live everyday (or at least I try to) grateful that God has given me another day to live. Grateful for the people I get to call family & grateful for the support system I have surrounding me.

Some people may be reading this blog & wondering why I talk about love & my boy so much when I'm only 18 years old. --I guess the only answer I would have to that would be,
Every girl dreams of that moment that her whole life is swept up into her own story that involves a boy that promises to never leave.
We never prepare ourselves for the hurt that sometimes comes with putting ourselves out there so much, but we do it anyways. --We get hurt, & then we stand back up. Maybe not very quickly, but in time, we do. Because in all honesty, we are longing for love. Acceptance & love.

I am content & pleased with the place I am in, in my life right now.
Of course I have sad days, days of wanting a boy's hand to hold.
But, knowing that I'm holding out for the best, well it makes the wait all worth it.

There is beauty in not knowing what is going to come next & I prefer to look at this world through the eyes of God. After all, He is the one that knows how to captivate my heart the best.

...grace.

Nephew.

{No, this is not my child--I'm just one very obsessed auntie.}

 Checkin' out the sofas @ ikea.

 Liam & Suspenders.

 Don't let this photo fool you, he thinks I rock.

messy hair.

-->That's right, I have major turquoise hair, well I'll admit it, it's more "greenish" this time, which saddens me greatly, but nonetheless it's still 'funky' & different.
&&, I gave it a whirl & went for bangs. Haven't had them in yeeeeears, but every so often change is good.
My hair describes me. I feel like my personality shines through in the craziness of hair. & I'm okay with that.
All the old people I work for on the other hand aren't too pleased, but I blaze my own trail. I form my own happiness & my hair is that for me.

On the day this photo was taken I had an appointment with a cosmetology school in the Nashville area. {As you can see, I dressed to impress that day.}

--I fell in love with the school & I do believe it'll be the place I call home in just a few short months. My world is about to take some lovely turns & I couldn't be more ready.
My journey is beginning.
My trail is being blazed.
My heart is ready, so ready.

It's all within hand reach & I'm taking that leap.

 --messiness.

Simple as that.

$5 thrifted frame.
$1.29 ivory lace (from Hobby Lobby)
&, a hot glue gun.

{wait a few minutes for it to dry & then start applying your jewelry.}

Favorite piece of art so far this year, &, it only took about 10 minutes to make.

.curls.

Already written pages.

He let college define him.
He let it mold him & change him.
In 5 years when you're standing in your cap & gown getting ready to graduate college, who will be standing beside you?  Who will you be by then?
I know these are questions yet to be answered, because things change. You can't even begin to imagine where you will be in 5 years. But, take this moment to really, truly look into the future & imagine who you want to be standing beside you. Where you want your future to lead you. The steps you're taking right now, my dearest, are leading you to that place.

Don't let this world change you.

I believed in you. That first day of college as we were moving you into your dorm, I saw your future being written before you that day. I saw the spark in your eye that described adventure. A new place, new people. Everything was new to you. It was your story just beginning to be told. You were on the first page to a really good book. I was excited about this story. The adventures & obstacles that were going to be unraveling in this book, it was exciting & nerve racking all at the same time. I didn't know where that left us. But, all I could really do was.....trust.
I had to trust you. 

In the beginning I did, fully.
Then it got harder as the weeks past & I saw our Summer romance dwindling.
I saw myself just being another character in your book, instead of one of the main leads.

I remember the longs nights of missing my boyfriend & tears flowing from my eyes & not really knowing why they were. I guess it's kind of the part when you're reading a really good book & you feel yourself captivated by the characters & you just begin to feel their pain & sorrow, but not really knowing why...until you reach the end of the chapter or much less, the end of the book. You see yourself being them, or putting yourself in their shoes.

This time though, I was that girl.
Instead of just being able to close the book when you've felt enough pain for the character for one night, I was living it. I wasn't able to put the book back on the shelf & continue on with my life, because this was my life.
I was her.

I saw the pages unraveling day by day. I saw myself holding onto something that was already lost.
I didn't know the boy in the pictures anymore.
I knew the face. I had grown accustomed to the face.
But, I didn't know the boy behind the face.
You know when you're reading the book & you imagine what the character looks like in your head, but then when you see the real deal, it's completely different & you're a bit disappointed? That's what was happening to me.

I knew this boy like the back of my hand. We had a three year journey together, before this book ever began. But, to me, it felt like they had switched characters on me & tried to lead me to believe they were the same boy.
I tried to lead myself to believe it for awhile, but it's like the saying goes--
'you can't teach an old dog new tricks.' --there was no fooling me.
This wasn't the boy I knew. This wasn't the boy I once loved.

He's gone. Will he ever return? Well, that's yet to be determined...

You know when you finish reading a book & find yourself daydreaming about where the characters went after the last page was read? Well, maybe someday you'll see part two in a bookstore.

Sometimes you have to get to the last page before you desire to run back to the place where the first page was ever written.

As for me, I'm starting my own book. New place, new people, same me, just a different zip code.

"I never want there to come a time that I've changed so much that I don't recognize the person in the mirror looking back at me." 

.Curls.

Art splattered walls.

{My new beginning.
My leap of Faith.
A journey yet to be told.
Me, jumping fearlessly into the unknown.
Seeking exquisite beauty.
Longing for the beauty within.
I AM made for something bigger than this state I'm in right now.
Saying goodbye to the past. finally releasing myself.
Holding out for a hero.
messy hair & big bows--expresses me.
I will not change for anyone other than myself.
I will not let a boy define who I am anymore.
I will seek out beauty in the craziest of ways.
I will continue to write.
My writings express what my mouth cannot speak, sometimes.
My walls will be my masterpiece.
They will be the place where my world makes sense.
The place where my story begins to unfold.
My safe haven.}

.messiness.